September 2021 – blog.colorcode.com

Color Code and Crucial Conversations

Recently, I have been re-reading the business bestseller, “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High” by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. Crucial conversations are defined as a dialogue where “opinions vary, stakes are high and emotions run strong.” A principle premise of the book is that people well-skilled in language start to plan the conversation “in the heart.” “Start with the heart” is actually the second step of the seven-step process. This refers to the questions you ask yourself when planning a crucial conversation. With over 4 million copies sold, these writers certainly know what they are talking about!

As an executive coach who uses the Color Code personality assessment in my practice, I want to challenge this premise. After training nearly 300 leaders in the science of the Color Code and the philosophy of the four driving core motives, I don’t think one just starts with the heart. I suggest we start with the leader’s language, which is either the head OR the heart. When planning my crucial conversations, I would start with a simple question: “Is this person a heart-first person or a head-first person?”

This is where the concepts of the Color Code come into play. See, people are flexible, and they learn to adapt to your style. So, if you are speaking with a Red, and you lead with your feelings, they will adapt, but you run the risk of either losing them or having them expend so much energy that they will avoid you every time you ask to speak with them. On the contrary, let’s say that your dialogue partner is a Blue personality, and you begin the conversation by rattling off a list of facts and figures. Would that be the most effective way to influence that Blue to your opinion?

In Color Code language, a “heart-first person” is a Blue or a Yellow, focused more on emotion. A “head-first person” is either Red or White, focused more on logic. And in pursuit of a goal, there is “head-first language” like pounds and inches (measurables) and “heart-first language” like “feel good about myself ” or “a new outlook on life” (feelings). Very simply put, if you are planning a crucial conversation with someone (and you don’t know their Color Code), then why not speak their language first? That’s why the first question should be, “Is this person a ‘head-first person’ or a ‘heart-first person?’”

Now, you may be saying, “Darren, is it really that simple? I mean, can people be simplified into just two categories? You already reduce people to four colors of Red, Blue, White, or Yellow.” But I want to challenge you to think of this tactic with the skills of a bouncer in mind. When a bouncer works a club and a fight breaks out, he does not try any fancy new moves. In a fight for his life, he really depends on a couple of his best, basic moves. Before your next crucial conversation, I challenge you to ask yourself, “Is this person a ‘head-first person’ or a ‘heart first-person?’” If they are a “head first-person” then start with a fact or some logic, but if they are “a heart first-person,” then talk about your emotions or feelings. Let’s call this “the conversation bouncer move.” Please see the chart below as a reference, and here’s to great success in your next crucial conversation where opinions vary, stakes are high and emotions run strong!

Is this person a head-first person or a heart-first person?

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DC Lyons and his wife, Elaine, are the owners of Korrior, Inc. He is a licensed Color Code Trainer and John Maxwell Certified Trainer/Coach/Speaker. He trains Color Code webinars and uses the Color Code as a tool to help his leadership clients learn their strengths and opportunities, wants, and needs. He is also a bilateral below-knee amputee, who has lost over 265 pounds. His next book, “With Worn Out Tools: Navigating the Rituals of Midlife” will be released later this year.

Say Aloha to a White Personality’s Paradise: Hawaii

I recently read that although the United States as a whole has a Blue personality culture, Hawaii’s culture is White. Having a strong White secondary myself, I was interested to observe this when I took my first trip to the Aloha State a few weeks ago. After anticipating this trip for many years, I wasn’t surprised to learn how much I loved the paradisiacal beaches and lush jungles of Kauai. But what did surprise me was how quickly I felt like I fit into the peaceful and kind culture of the Island. It was evident even at the airport that this was definitely a White personality culture!

It’s no secret that our world isn’t exactly peaceful right now. Between divisive opinions about the COVID-19 vaccine, the tragedies in Afghanistan, and everyone and their dog’s political opinions, the White in me has been yearning to escape the conflict and live in ignorant bliss for a while. Aside from the obvious relaxing aspects of Hawaii, I was elated to feel the peace being among the Hawaiian people brought me!

It turns out, the Hawaii-specific brand of peace has a name: The Aloha Spirit. According to hawaii.edu, ”‘Aloha’ is more than a word of greeting or farewell or a salutation. ‘Aloha’ means mutual regard and affection and extends warmth in caring with no obligation in return. ‘Aloha’ is the essence of relationships in which each person is important to every other person for collective existence. ‘Aloha’ means to hear what is not said, to see what cannot be seen and to know the unknowable.”

Does that not totally sound like the White personality strengths of being caring, accepting and nonjudgmental?? From the slower speeds on the roads to the laid back attitude of airport security and the willingness the Hawaiians we met were to share their culture with us, I acutely felt that Aloha Spirit while there and longed to bring it back to the mainland with me. So, in a world full of the more dominant and flashy Reds, Blues and Yellows, I thought I’d share a few tips of how we can learn from the Whites and bring the Aloha Spirit wherever we are.

Tip No. 1 – Slow Down

While on the Island, I learned that before making contact with the Western World, ancient Hawaiians had no way of tracking days, months or seasons apart from charting the stars. Rather than relying on clocks and calendars, smartphones and schedules, they relied upon nature. And although modern-day Islanders do have more resources for time, the vibe I got from Kauai was that mother nature still rules the day. Like I mentioned earlier, people even drive slower. I saw a sign in a gift shop that said, “Don’t worry…you’re on beach time.” We know the White personality doesn’t like to be rushed into making decisions and they move at a slower pace in some ways than the other personality colors. Maybe this seems lazy to some, but I think Whites can teach us that we don’t always have to hurry in life. Maybe the point isn’t to meet deadline after deadline but to make regular stops along the way to marvel at the massivity of the ocean or the vibrant color of a tropical fish.

Tip. No. 2 – Similarities Before Differences

I read something once about a group of moms who were arguing over various parenting opinions they had, such as bottle feeding vs breastfeeding, public school vs homeschool, etc. They were in a heated argument when suddenly one of the mom’s strollers began to roll down the hill they were standing on with the baby inside. At that moment, every mom in the group, despite their differences, rushed to save the falling baby. The point was that even though all those moms had different opinions about parenting, they all loved their own kids and each other’s kids and they had each other’s backs when it came to the most important thing. While I was in Hawaii, I never learned the social or political opinions of the other people around me. But I learned how to safely navigate hikes and which wild mangoes were safe to eat. I learned which restaurants were the best to go to, which beaches were too dangerous to swim in and where to avoid 15-foot sharks. Whether we were talking to other tourists or locals, we all wanted each other to have the optimal Hawaiian experience. White personalities are good at seeing the bigger picture, and they prioritize peace over fighting over issues that will never be more important than the relationship.

Tip No. 3 Mahalo

If I have the choice between McDonalds and Chick-Fil-A, I’m going to choose Chick-Fil-A every time. Not only do I prefer their food, but their service is impeccable. One of my favorite Chick-Fil-A-isms is that whenever you say, “Thank you,” the employees respond, “My pleasure.” Even if it is just a part of their training to respond that way, that phrase makes me feel like they are actually happy to serve me, which in turn makes me want to treat them with kindness. While in Hawaii, I was quickly made aware how much the term “mahalo” is used. Mahalo means “thank you,” but like Aloha, it seems to have more kindness behind it. Just seeing the word makes me feel more appreciated than a simple “thank you.” Like Aloha and Mahalo, White personalities just have a kindness about them that leaves interactions more peaceful. When I think about the interactions I’ve had with some of the Whites in my life, we don’t even need to have had a great conversation for me to feel uplifted. Simply being around them makes me feel at ease and just overall happier with who I am. It’s truly a gift they have. I think that simply by observing this characteristic in Whites, we can learn to emulate it more and spread more peace in our communities. Hawaii is definitely filled with that peace!

Well, there you have it! Three tips to help us develop some of the strengths of the White personality/the Hawaiian people! If reading this article didn’t help, maybe you should try going to the Island yourself ;). Mahalo and Aloha!

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Megan Christensen is a Blue who has been writing her feelings for as long as she can remember. Megan graduated from BYU-Idaho in 2014 with a degree in communication. A lifelong fan of the Color Code, she’s thrilled to be the content editor of the blog and hopes to help as many people as possible become more self-aware. When she’s not writing, Megan can be found reading, doing yoga, and spending as much time as she can outdoors.

POWER STRUGGLE: The Red/Red Relationship

Color Code describes the Red/Red relationship as ‘fireworks,’ and for good reason. A Red/Red relationship can be powerful, productive, and satisfying in business or your personal life. But it can also be problematic—full of animosity and angst.

Reds are natural leaders. They are decisive, assertive, and excellent at delegating. They also have the natural limitations of being bossy, argumentative, and demanding—times two. When there are two Reds in a relationship and both need to be the boss, neither wants to be told what to do.

Recipe for disaster?

Yes and no.

There is a lot of power behind this highly motivated duo. Reds are all about getting from point A to point B and will do everything they can to get there. If they can agree on precisely what point B is, there is no stopping this dynamic team. They are both determined and responsible and can easily accomplish their goals.

Unfortunately, because both are controlling, one might get push back from the other about ‘who’s the boss.’ If unchecked, the natural limitations of a Red can destroy this relationship. The good news is the natural strengths can make it strong.

To achieve a successful relationship, both Reds must:

Learn anger management. A Red’s anger can be like a volcano. It erupts and then subsides, not knowing or caring about the havoc it has wreaked in its wake. Reds don’t hold a grudge, and they will quickly get over whatever has caused the eruption. If they can learn to keep their anger in check, they will soon be able to speak of the issue logically.
Think before they speak. Often, Reds blurt out what is on their minds. Their sarcastic comments can spark ire in their partner, causing a rift that strains the relationship. They must never embarrass each other in public. They need to think before they speak. Learning a bit of diplomacy and empathy will go a long way.
Admit when they are wrong. Reds can be naturally arrogant and believe they are right—always. When there are two Reds who believe this, there can be no détente. When they disagree, they need to face the fact that they can’t both always be right and admit when they are wrong.
Avoid the struggle for dominance. Reds are naturally controlling. They want it their way or the highway. When the struggle begins, it’s time for a conversation before resentment escalates. Learn to listen and act objectively.
Show respect. Reds need to be respected more than they need to be liked. In a Red/Red relationship, mutual respect is vital.

None of these suggestions will come naturally. It’s difficult to overcome limitations and will require a lot of conscious effort. A positive plan of action would be if each Red communicates which limitation affects the relationship most and starts from there. When we see ourselves through the eyes of others, it helps us become more aware of the effect our behaviors have on our relationships.

If both Reds can set aside egos and view this relationship as a challenging adventure—determined to make it work—they will both experience one of the most powerful and successful relationships in the Color Code palette.

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Teresa Glenn has been working with the Color Code since 2006, where her main focus is product development. She has been in the publishing and product development field for over 20 years. Teresa is a core Red with a strong Yellow secondary.