Recently, I have been re-reading the business bestseller, “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High” by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. Crucial conversations are defined as a dialogue where “opinions vary, stakes are high and emotions run strong.” A principle premise of the book is that people well-skilled in language start to plan the conversation “in the heart.” “Start with the heart” is actually the second step of the seven-step process. This refers to the questions you ask yourself when planning a crucial conversation. With over 4 million copies sold, these writers certainly know what they are talking about!

As an executive coach who uses the Color Code personality assessment in my practice, I want to challenge this premise. After training nearly 300 leaders in the science of the Color Code and the philosophy of the four driving core motives, I don’t think one just starts with the heart. I suggest we start with the leader’s language, which is either the head OR the heart. When planning my crucial conversations, I would start with a simple question: “Is this person a heart-first person or a head-first person?”

This is where the concepts of the Color Code come into play. See, people are flexible, and they learn to adapt to your style. So, if you are speaking with a Red, and you lead with your feelings, they will adapt, but you run the risk of either losing them or having them expend so much energy that they will avoid you every time you ask to speak with them. On the contrary, let’s say that your dialogue partner is a Blue personality, and you begin the conversation by rattling off a list of facts and figures. Would that be the most effective way to influence that Blue to your opinion?

In Color Code language, a “heart-first person” is a Blue or a Yellow, focused more on emotion. A “head-first person” is either Red or White, focused more on logic.  And in pursuit of a goal, there is “head-first language” like pounds and inches (measurables) and “heart-first language” like “feel good about myself ” or  “a new outlook on life” (feelings). Very simply put, if you are planning a crucial conversation with someone (and you don’t know their Color Code), then why not speak their language first? That’s why the first question should be, “Is this person a ‘head-first person’ or a ‘heart-first person?’”

Now, you may be saying, “Darren, is it really that simple? I mean, can people be simplified into just two categories? You already reduce people to four colors of Red, Blue, White, or Yellow.” But I want to challenge you to think of this tactic with the skills of a bouncer in mind. When a bouncer works a club and a fight breaks out, he does not try any fancy new moves. In a fight for his life, he really depends on a couple of his best, basic moves. Before your next crucial conversation, I challenge you to ask yourself, “Is this person a ‘head-first person’ or a ‘heart first-person?’” If they are a “head first-person” then start with a fact or some logic, but if they are “a heart first-person,” then talk about your emotions or feelings. Let’s call this “the conversation bouncer move.” Please see the chart below as a reference, and here’s to great success in your next crucial conversation where opinions vary, stakes are high and emotions run strong!

                    Is this person a head-first person or a heart-first person?

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DC Lyons and his wife, Elaine, are the owners of Korrior, Inc. He is a licensed Color Code Trainer and John Maxwell Certified Trainer/Coach/Speaker. He trains Color Code webinars and uses the Color Code as a tool to help his leadership clients learn their strengths and opportunities, wants, and needs. He is also a bilateral below-knee amputee, who has lost over 265 pounds. His next book, “With Worn Out Tools: Navigating the Rituals of Midlife” will be released later this year.