teresa.glenn – Page 14 – blog.colorcode.com

Thinking about Telecommuting? Some Color Consideration

More and more, the idea of teleworkers is appealing to companies both large and small. They can hire talent anywhere in the world without the cost of relocation and providing workers with a physical workspace. The company might have a salesman in Seattle, a web designer in India, a technical writer in New York.

The teleworker can work from anywhere that has a plug and wifi. Go into any coffee shop and you’ll see industrious employment at work. A win-win, right? Well, before you go talk to your boss about your new “office space” or let your employees head for home, we’ve got a few things for you to consider.

These are all observations made using the innate strengths and limitations found in each color of the Color Code. They may not apply to you. If, for instance, you are a Yellow that has been raised with a strong work ethic, the filter might override your natural tendency of distraction. Consider only those observations that apply to you.

Okay, here we go!

1. Self-discipline and setting your own hours.

Reds are good with this. They sit down, make a list, perform the task, and cross it off the list. They charge the exact hours, confidant that it is fair, and turn off their computers when the workday is over. They might prove to be inflexible about working extra hours or covering for someone else.

Blues will buckle down to work, but will be concerned that their employer might not believe they have put in an honest day’s work. They will undercharge their hours as not to appear to have taken too long on any given task. They will have a tendency to pick up the phone or answer emails long after their workday is done, interfering with their home-life.

Whites who’s natural tendency is procrastination, might feel that they can put off certain jobs until the deadline is upon them, then spend all night working to complete the task. This could become a pattern that is frustrating to both the employer and employee.

Yellows might be tempted to look at Facebook, Twitter or other social networks, and lose track of time. If a friend calls for lunch, they are too happy to go. They could end up missing deadlines, and making excuses for why this happened. They might require extra communication from the employer in the form of deadline reminders.

2. Lack of socialization.

Reds don’t mind being alone with their work. They feel they know what needs to be done and like to do it their way. On the other hand, Reds need respect and they like to lead, both of which is difficult to achieve when telecommuting

Blues need people. After all, they are motivated by intimacy. Blues are interested in the day-to-day lives of their coworkers and often form long lasting bonds coworkers. Technology such as Skype won’t give them the same satisfaction as face-to-face interactions.

Whites, like Reds are content with their own company. Even when working in a typical environment, Whites often shun the inherent social bonds. Whites may miss the motivation that company meetings and progress sessions provide.

Yellows, like Blues, need the socialization that workmates provide. They are more likely than Blues to be satisfied with technological communication, because it is brief and can be spontaneous. I/Ming is perfect for the Yellow who likes the gratification of sending and receiving replies instantly.

Communication

Reds might be criticized for their communication skills. Their emails are often to the point and can be considered gruff. They won’t spend a lot of time with small talk and prefer to get straight to the point. Many Reds have a sarcastic sense of humor that doesn’t translate well in written form, causing misunderstandings.

Blues have a tendency to over-explain what they are working on. Conversely, they require frequent and positive feedback on their job performance. They might try to build an online relationship with the email recipient. Blues will always send a thank-you email in response to an email sent to them.

Whites have a tendency to under-communicate. They will give you the work when it is done, and not bother with updates along the way. If a progress report is required, they will likely do it, but not until they have to. They will not include extraneous information.

Yellows love communication. They might pick-up the phone and call with updates rather than complete all those boring forms. Any job that requires communication and public interaction is the perfect job for a Yellow telecommuter.

Remember, these observations are only pointing out the inherent behavior in the Color Code’s colors and may not pertain to you, but are clearly food for thought. Not everyone is happy working alone from home. You will need to make your own decision if it is right for you. Best of luck!

Ask the Expert

Dear, Jeremy:

Is there a compatibility preference for each color? Like Whites interact better with Blues and Reds, etc.?

Regards,

Tim

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Dear Tim.

What a great question! Thanks for taking the time to ask. When we teach our workshops or deliver keynote speeches, this is one of the questions that almost comes up in every single group, and rightfully so! All life is about relationships, so this is a very important question to ask.

So keep reading here and I’ll break it down for you.

Let’s start by taking a look at some of the personality dynamics you will find in the various relationship combinations.

First of all, each Color complements or “adds to” every other Color, so when looking to build relationships, it’s more about what kinds of dynamics you want and/or need. In other words, your own personal preference, your unique blend of strengths, limitations, secondary Color dynamics, character development etc. are all going to come into play here. That’s why there is no perfect relationship combination that you should seek nor is there a combination that by nature is doomed for failure. They can all work or fail depending on the effort that is given both individually and together.

It is true that some Colors are opposites but appeal to each other for a sense of completion and to make them feel whole. These very natural fits are what we call “Complementary Opposites”. You see this in either the Red-White or the Yellow-Blue connections. One of the reasons that these connections can seem so naturally compatible is that they share the same logical or emotional orientation, and there is leadership present but no real power struggle.

For example, Reds and Whites are both logical types of people, so they connect there. Further, Reds likes to take charge, be in control, and provide leadership, while Whites are more non-controlling, go-with-the-flow types. Reds and Whites enjoy a practical orientation to relationships and rely on fact and common sense to illuminate their way. They share similar perceptions of power, excitement, and leadership.

Blues and Yellows are the other “complementary opposite”. They are both emotionally driven. The Blue in the relationship likes to be in control and provide the structure, while the non-controlling Yellow is free to bring lots of energy and positive, carefree attitude. The mutually seek a close, personal connection.

The next types of relationships we’ll discuss are the “Complementary Similarities”. These generally aren’t quite as effortless as the Complementary Opposites, but still do pretty well together naturally. In this category you will find the Red-Yellow relationship and the Blue-White relationship. In both cases, the risk of a conflict over power and control is very low; however, both relationships will experience the ongoing hurdle of emotion vs. logic.

In the case of the Reds and Yellows, the Red wants to be in control, and the Yellow is happy to not have to have the added responsibility that that often brings. Reds are, logical creatures, however, while Yellows are more emotional. All in all, there are many ways in which they can be naturally very similar. For instance, they both share strong verbal skills, insensitivity, and positive-action orientation.

With Blues and Whites, on the other hand, the Blue wants to be in control, and the White is fine with that as long as that control doesn’t extend too destroy their own sense of independence. Blues are driven by their emotions, and Whites are highly logical, which can potentially create a disconnect. However, they are very similar in their nonverbal preference, sensitivity, and desire to accommodate each other and even others outside of the relationship.

Next, we’ll turn to the Yellow-White connection, which we call “Comfortable Opposites”. In this relationship style, both parties really like each other and are therefore quite comfortable. Even though they have different orientations toward logic and emotion – Whites are the logical ones here, while Yellows bring the emotion – there never really seems to be any major power struggle for who will be in charge. In fact, the problem is quite the exact opposite – NEITHER wants to be in charge and take control; therefore, leadership, urgency, growth, and progress in general will suffer. Because of this dynamic, Yellows and Whites are actually far less likely to connect than Reds and Blues, even though the Red-Blue relationship experiences far more conflict.

Speaking of which… we call the Red-Blue relationship “Non-Complementary Opposites”. Remember – that doesn’t mean that this relationship can’t work. Actually, it can be the most dynamic relationship if they can get over their differences. However, it does generally take a lot of work because the potential for conflict is quite high. The reason for that is because they both want to be in charge and seek to control each other. Further, there is a logical – emotional disconnect. Reds are logical, and Blues are emotional. Interestingly enough, this is one of the most common relationship blends both in personal relationships and in business. It happens because they both share the desire to make things happen, to commit, and to show up.

By way of conclusion, in any relationship blend, life can be wonderful or it can be terrible. It all comes down to knowing yourself, seeking to understand the other person in the relationship, and from there being willing to appreciate them for who they are (as opposed to trying to force them into being more like you). Last of all, remember to learn to speak the other person’s language so that you are communicating in a way that they like to hear and understand.

Tim, thanks again taking the time to write. I hope that these insights will help you as you continue to build new and existing relationships throughout your life.

Very best of living,

Jeremy

Jeremy Daniel (Core Color: Yellow) has been working with the Color Code since 1998 in various capacities from training in the field personally with Dr. Taylor Hartman to designing customized corporate solutions and new training programs for various industries. To ask about Jeremy’s training or speaking services, please email and inquiry to jeremy@colorcodetraining.com.

A Leprechaun Tale

Once upon a time, there was a Leprechaun named Freddy. Freddy was the supervisor for the leprechaun department of shoe making. He was in a dither because they had a quota to make…2000 pair of new dancin’ shoes by March 15^th, two days before the St. Patrick’s Day celebration. It was the morning of March 1^st. He quickly did some ciphering and concluded that in order to make the quota, his team of 4 would have to make over 30 pair of shoes each. He didn’t include himself in the calculations, because he, of course, was the boss. His talents were best used telling the others what to do.

He called in his most reliable worker, Brady, and in clipped tones said, “You and the other lads are needin’ to make 2000 pairs of shoes by St. Paddy’s. Git on with it.”

“Begorra! That’s only 15 days!” lamented Brady. “It canna be done at all, least done well!”

“Do it, and no excuses!” bellowed Freddy.

Brady knew that no amount of emotional pleading would convince Freddy that this was an impossible task. Even if they could pull it off, what kind of quality could they expect? He looked out at his crew and was overwhelmed with worry.

Maeve is excellent at shoe design, but she was not interested in actually making them. That lass always had her head in the clouds, looking for rainbows with all that shiny gold in the ever-elusive pot. Still, everyone loved her and she could make the hours of toil quite pleasant with her quick wit and banter.

And Sean…where was he anyway? He was here a minute ago. The lad must have wandered off to be alone in his daydreams again. Freddy would have to be very careful not to bully Brady into working. He could be so stubborn.

Clodagh was a hard worker and would be willing to go the distance. He was a bossy one, that lad. Always with the ideas and distain for anyone who didn’t agree. Still, maybe he would have an idea or two of how to pull this group together to complete the project.

Brady sighed and went to work. He sure hoped his efforts would be appreciated.

“Let’s all put on our dancin’ shoes , wear our shamrocks green
and toast our friends both here and there and everywhere between.” –Irish Toast

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

What color is Freddy?
What color is Brady?
What color is Maeve?
What color is Sean?
What color is Clodagh?

Teresa Glenn has been working with the Color Code since 2006, where her main focus is product development. She has been in the publishing and product development field for over 20 years. Teresa is a core Red with a strong Yellow secondary.

Ask the Expert

Dear Jeremy,

Do you have any tips for red/white relationships?

I am a white married to a red. He likes to be in charge, he is very active, likes a lot of activity a lot of socializing. He likes the house to be perfectly neat all the time. He always tells me what needs to be done, and even after everything is done, he comes up with other things that need to be done. He insists that things are done his way.

To be perfectly honest I am often tired and I wish he just left me alone sometimes. I would like some time to do things that I enjoy, do yoga or even just relax. I am tired of constant cooking, entertaining and socializing.

Mary

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Dear Mary,

Thank you for the question. I really appreciate your situation and have seen many others like this before. I definitely have some feedback for you, and some of it will be a bit direct (though not critical), and I feel that it may help you tremendously.

When I read your question, it’s admittedly difficult for me to feel like I completely understand the entire scenario. I wonder about how healthy both of you are in relation to each other. I wonder if selfishness on his part (which is common for Reds) is out of control or whether you have simply allowed – or perhaps even enabled – much of his behavior (which many Whites do).

I simply cannot know the answers to these question at this point, so I am going to proceed assuming that things are fairly healthy and that he would be responsive to you if you were to attempt to create some change. I’m also going to give tips exclusively for you, because you are the one asking, and the only change that you can control is what you personally decide to work on. (We can’t force him to change, but we hope he will choose to as you change things up a bit).

With that preamble, I’m just going to come out and give you my number one tip in a very direct way. Are you ready for this?

You need to get a life.

Here’s what I mean. Reds know what they want, how they want to do it, what resources they have at their disposal, etc. And, they will simply and matter-of-factly do what they want to do. If you are not setting your own agenda, they are happy to set it for you, and most of the time, it’s not personal at all. They are usually not trying to hold you back or be overly controlling, etc., it’s just that they figure that they have a life and you don’t, so they will simply involve you in their world.

The best part is that usually all you have to do is get your own life and set your own agenda. When you do that, a lot of times they’ll tell you that they never knew those things were important to you or that they actually enjoy seeing you branching out on your own.

Here are a few tips on how to do this:

1. Create a specific plan of what you want. Identify 2-3 things that you want to change, which you already have started doing (yoga, time to relax, less time socializing, less cooking/entertaining, etc.). Next, get specific. Decide to enroll in a yoga class, and find a schedule that works the best for you and the family. You will also need to identify what specifically you need in terms of relaxation time. Is that time to meditate every day, or just veg out and watch T.V. or read a book? Is a certain time frame important to you (e.g., the end of the day?, middle of the day?, weekends?, etc.). Maybe he and other members of the family should have one night a week where they prepare dinner, or instead of cooking for everyone, you go out once a week.

2. Tell your husband what you need directly and factually. You will need to tell him that you feel frustrated, why, and what changes you are planning on making. State things in a way that shows that you are resolute and that you have already started making plans (and that those plans are well-thought-out and fair). Say, “I’ve looked at 3 different yoga studios, and this one offers classes on these days, which will interfere the least with what our family schedule is, so that’s where I’m going to enroll.” If he has questions, he will bring them up – that’s a Red’s nature. He may, though, simply accept things at face value if you present them in a matter-of-fact format.

3. Stand your ground. If he becomes selfish, because he perceives that some of his time and/or hobbies are threatened, he will push back. Maybe even aggressively. This is the final obstacle for you to clear. Don’t let him get you emotionally worked up. Stay rational and stand your ground. You may even want to have an exit strategy in mind for the conversation if it gets heated. Know what you are going to say. Perhaps something like, “Honey, you know I love you, but I’ve thought it through, and I really need to do these things for myself. I’m not going to fight about it, so let’s go get some sleep.” (Give him a kiss and walk away. End of conversation).

If he is like most Reds, by the time morning rolls around, he will be willing to be a little more reasonable. If he continues to sulk or want to fight, you may need to stand your ground a little longer. Just be sure to use your White gifts of being logical, balanced, and grounded. Don’t get pulled into the fire-fight, and continue to move forward with your plan. Once you clear this obstacle, not only will you find more time to do things that are important for you, you will probably also find that your Red husband has a lot more respect for you in general, which will do wonders for your relationship moving forward.

Give that a try, Mary, and see if it helps. I hope it doesn’t sound like a hard thing. Even if it does, though, I promise you it will probably be easier than you think it will be.

I leave you today with the words of Amelia Earhart:

“Courage is the price that Life exacts for granting peace, The soul that knows it not, knows no release from little things.”

You can do this, Mary… and you’ll be so glad that you did.

Very best of living,

Jeremy

Jeremy Daniel
Training Director
Color Code International

How Much Does Employee Conflict Really Cost?

You see it everyday. People milling around, whispering to each other—complaining about some slight that happened—whether from another employee or from management. It seems harmless, even petty, but these incidences are actually affecting your company’s bottom line. As every manager knows, office conflict not only affects productivity, costing the company in man-hours (approximately 2.8 hours per week per employee), but according to an article published on entrepreneur.com (www.entrepreneur.com/article/207196) , “nearly 10 percent [of employees polled] reported that workplace conflict led to project failure and more than one-third said that conflict resulted in someone leaving the company, either through firing or quitting. Those negatives translate into real financial losses for small businesses.”

Unfortunately, the statistics on how we are handling conflict in the workplace are not terribly encouraging. Experts have estimated that a typical manager spends 19-29% of his/her time resolving petty personality conflicts. Tim Roberts, a conflict management and transformation specialist at the University of Chester, in the United Kingdom, claims that managers spend 40% or more of their time dealing with conflicts in one form or another (www.bpir.com/workplace-conflict-resolution-bpir.com/menu-id-71/expert-opinion.html).

Being fairly conservative, let’s use the first statistic to calculate how much time managers spend “babysitting” employees rather than engaging in meaningful business activities. First of all, a manager taking two weeks of vacation a year will work fifty weeks annually. Now take those fifty workweeks and multiply them by 19% and then again by 29% to see how many entire work weeks are lost to negative conflict. If you do the math, you will see that that the average manager loses between 9.5 and 14.5 workweeks per year. That’s an entire business quarter lost!

To calculate the hard numbers of what this costs your company, try the following math:

Take the average salary that you pay a manager for one week’s work and multiply that by the total number of managers in your organization.
Take that number and multiply it by 9.5.
Take the same number and multiply it by 14.5.

If your organization fits within the normal, national average for time spent on negative conflict, you have just calculated the range of direct economic impact conflict has on the bottom line of your business. Of course, there are indirect costs as well. Think of the unnecessary stress, poor morale, turnover, and other issues that conflict causes. When people do the math, they usually realize they can’t afford not to deal with this problem.

Let’s talk about how and why this happens, and then how to use an understanding of the Color Code and motive to help resolve some of these issues.

Mary Rau-Foster, attorney and certified mediator writes, “Conflict arises from a clash of perceptions, goals, or values in an arena where people care about the outcome.” This means that a workplace setting must be an ideal location for breeding conflict.

The truth of the matter is, a business cannot survive without conflict. A business has to compete, or it has to fold, and the players within the business from the shareholders down through every level of employee understand this concept extremely well. And when you really think about it—what’s wrong with that?

Conflict can be the single most positive force that drives a team forward. It can also be the most destructive. In one of Shakespeare’s best-known plays, Hamlet, he writes, “Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

Here is where the knowledge of driving core motive and the Color Code can be extraordinarily valuable. Each of the colors processes information differently, but without this education, most of us assumes that everybody sees things the same way we do. Therefore, when stressful situations arise at work and people are on their worst behavior, oftentimes the end result is negative conflict.

This usually happens because people take what others say and do personally rather than simply dealing with the issue at hand.

Let me give you an example. Let’s say that sales revenue is down, and unless it reaches an acceptable level, there will be a massive layoff. People spring into action. The atmosphere becomes intense. Every lead becomes more precious than it was a month ago, and co-workers are pushing each other for better results. If Brad, a salesman, fails to close on an important contract, his manager, Michelle, might have to give some very direct feedback about how he is not doing a good enough job at discovering the needs of his potential clients before he pitches the features and benefits of the product.

At that point, Brad has to decide how he will assimilate that feedback. He could turn it into a positive situation where he might ask Michelle to explain what she is observing and help him understand how he can perform more effectively. It could potentially be a turning point in Brad’s sales career, or at the very least a small improvement that will help him close a few more sales per month.

The outcome that is more common, however, involves Brad taking Michelle’s comment personally. He might think that she is picking on him, that she doesn’t like him, that she is trying to force him off the team, or that she is just simply being the jerk that she is to everyone. He might get defensive and fight back, or he might just pretend to agree to try harder until he can vent his frustration to fellow salespeople later.

Whenever someone personalizes, the result will be destructive.

With a basic knowledge of the Color Code, people are empowered to change the way they think about, react to, and communicate with others. Knowing that Michelle is a White, for instance, would help Brad realize that she is probably giving very objective and clear feedback and that she is not trying to attack him personally.

The Color Code also allows people to monitor their internal reactions to various situations. Brad might realize that as a Yellow, he has the tendency to run away from anything he would perceive to be negative or critical. Knowing that about himself makes it easier for Brad to redirect his reaction in a way that would allow him to revisit the situation more logically rather than retreat into a negative emotion.

There is true power in knowing what makes people tick. It allows us to be more forgiving of our differences, and to engage in a more constructive form of conflict. When people can give feedback in a way that is not easily misinterpreted, and receive it without having to personalize, a work team becomes much more competitive, productive, and profitable.

White Day, Color Code Style

Did all you Whites out there know that every March there is a holiday called White Day?

It’s true. According to Wikipedia, White Day is celebrated in Japan, South Korea, Taiwan and China on March 14–one month after Valentine’s Day.

White Day was first celebrated in 1978 in Japan when the National Confectionery Industry Association started it as an “answer day” to Valentine’s Day (their version of our Hallmark Holidays). It was “designed” to give men the opportunity to pay back the women who gave them gifts on Valentine’s Day. Naturally, the National Confectionery Industry Association wanted all the gifts to be chocolate, but it has since grown to include other items such as jewelry, flowers and the like.

Because I am easily amused, I began thinking what White Day would be in Color Code Land. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t include flowers, chocolate or jewelry. After amusing myself with those thoughts, I digressed and began to wonder what Red Day would be like, and so on. This is what I think we would see:

White Day

This is a day set aside where you can only speak to a White if spoken to first. A White’s gentle nature and diplomacy wins them many loyal friends, but let’s face it, Whites are typically moderate people without extremes of personality. Not only wouldn’t they want the attention that White Day would heap on them, they wouldn’t want to impose on others to celebrate a whole day in their honor. White Day might go unheralded by the rest of us. It is a holiday that is easily forgotten, and unlike those pesky wedding anniversaries, we would, most likely, go unpunished.

Red Day

While I know the thought of Red Day strikes fear in the hearts of you other colors, I think it would turn out OK. Helen Keller said, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” That is how Reds see life. Reds want challenging adventures. They hate boredom. They would make Red Day a day of adventure–rafting trips, mountain climbing, parachute jumping–new and exciting challenges. Of course, if participants make the extreme error of beating a Red to the top of the mountain, they might just find the way down a lot quicker.

Blue Day

Ah, Blue Day. This would be the most organized and creative day of the year. We would all have agendas to follow and rules to keep. You Blues would have formed a committee well in advance to make sure every detail was accounted for. Engraved invitations would be sent for all events, theme-based food would be served, and entertainment would be provided. The Blues in charge would be on the verge of a nervous breakdown from worry, and heaven help the person who didn’t show appreciation. You might not be invited again.

Yellow Day

Yellow Day can be nothing more than a wild and fun free-for-all. No organization, no rules, no tradition, because nothing will ever stay the same. Try to pin them to a schedule? Forget about it. They will swear that next year will be different…but it never is. The only consistency with a Yellow is their inconsistency. But if you let down your hair, you will enjoy the ride of your life. After all, Yellows are motivated by Fun. They are spirited, happy, and a joy to be around. Yellow Day would provide memories to last a lifetime.

What do you think would be your perfect day? It’s fun to imagine.

Excerpts from The Heart in Forgiveness

The 4 “F’s” – How the 4 Colors Avoid Facing the Truth and Avoid Conflicts

– Rosalie D. Gibbons, MFT and Gloria Manchester, CTACC

“The Heart in Forgiveness” is a process designed by the writers to support you in releasing childhood hurts or other disappointments, regrets, or failures so that you can move forward in your life. As Oprah Winfrey has said, “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” When someone offends, betrays, or deceives us, it is natural to feel frustrated, angry, hurt, and resentful. Our attention and focus zeroes in on the source of our injury, and we rapidly begin building a case to justify our reaction, no matter how accurate or distorted it may be. We become driven to be right about how we view the situation and we resist anything that doesn’t support our perception. We often pay a huge price for this, sometimes destroying our relationships.

Resentments-Resistance-Revenge (Negative 3 R’s) Resentments, the first of the three “Negative R’s” raise their ugly head the moment we experience or perceive an injury, injustice, or conflict. We often stuff these feelings without expressing them directly to the offender in the moment. Women often tend to keep a scorecard of offenses. It is like filling a balloon; each offense fills the balloon a little more until it suddenly bursts (we lose it over some smaller offense) and our relationship is left wondering, “What just happened here?” To paraphrase something Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback Church, said, it’s always more rewarding to resolve the conflict in each moment than to dissolve the relationship.

Broken agreements often are the cause of resentments; they don’t work! An agreement is between us and at least one other person. If we make an agreement, we must either follow-through or renegotiate the specifics it (before it is broken). Repeatedly breaking agreements will eventually tear at the fabric of our relationships (especially with children). We have heard so many teens in our courses say, “I couldn’t trust my parents because they would tell me they would do something and then not do it, totally disappointing me, as if I don’t matter!”

When we don’t effectively communicate, our negatively charged emotions build up and we begin building a wall which often turns into resistance, the second “Negative R.” Though some of us may not have a problem confronting others, most of us don’t set clear boundaries with others or define healthy expectations for ourselves. Many of us are much clearer about what we don’t want, rather than what we do want. We may be vocal about our beliefs, values, and desires to others, but are either intimidated by the person who hurt or offended us or fear the consequences of telling the truth.

As Gloria, coauthor of The Wisdom in RE … Rethinking Your Life says, “Fear is the distance between the thought and the action.” In other words, the moment we dare to take the necessary action to face our fears and resolve the conflicts that are at the heart of our resentments, our fears are usually reduced to a manageable size. The healthy way to deal with negative experiences is to set clear boundaries, hold ourselves and others accountable, and communicate honestly and respectfully when our boundaries are violated. In most situations, honest, straightforward communication usually resolves the problems.

In the third “Negative R,” revenge occurs when communication is compromised and there is a greater potential for loss in our relationships. We often feel obliged or compelled to do things that we don’t want to do and don’t feel good about doing. We then start to withhold, retreat, sabotage ourselves and others, or otherwise undermine the integrity of the relationship in one way or another, feeling altogether justified in our “sweet revenge.” But the price of revenge, though it may be momentarily sweet, is ultimately toxic to our health. In the end, our resentments, our bitterness, our shame, and our guilt rob us not only of our personal power and health but also our hope and inner peace.

When you cannot forgive others you destroy the bridge over which you too must pass. When conflicts arise we are either building a wall of resentment or a bridge of forgiveness. If we cannot forgive others, we risk not being forgiven ourselves. As none of us is perfect, at some point in our lives, we will deceive or cause injury to others and seek to be forgiven. Though it is far easier to point the finger of blame than it is to take a look at our own choices and actions – when you point outward with one finger and thumb, three fingers are pointing back at you.

Forgiveness vs. Trust, before getting to the heart in forgiveness, it is essential to clarify what it is not. Forgiveness does not make an offender right. It doesn’t mean that we immediately put our trust in the deceiver, sweep the matter under the rug, or remain in relationships that are unhealthy or abusive. In fact, there is a huge difference between forgiveness and trust. Forgiveness is a conscious choice we make in the moment. Trust must be built over time through repeatedly demonstrated positive and corrective action. Forgiveness allows us to recognize and assign appropriate responsibility where it belongs, and presents us with the opportunity to reclaim our personal power. “Forgiveness is not a single act of courage–it is an ongoing act of grace.” – Rose Gibbons

The 4 F’s – How the Four Colors Avoid Facing the Truth and Avoid Conflict

When we are in the Negative 3 R’s we are avoiding dealing with our feelings in an honest and direct manner. Once we recognize the unconscious ways we avoid facing the truth about ourselves, we can consciously begin building from our strengths to initiate change, resolution and reconciliation. Before we go to the Positive 3 R’s, we need to take a look at how each of the four innate personality colors typically avoids truth and conflict when in their limitations.

Red – This personality is motivated by power so they tend to fight, when in their limitations, using their power to intimidate or control the situation. However, as quickly as they explode, they are typically over it. Their strengths are that they are visionaries, directors and natural leaders. When in fight mode they are confrontational and insensitive and may not see or acknowledge the relationship casualties along the way. Reds are task-oriented and logical thinkers.

Blue – Blues, on the other hand tend to freeze in their avoidance. They are driven by intimacy, and in their strengths, they are quality-oriented, compassionate and committed. In their limitations they often come off as self-righteous, and can be very judgmental and perfectionistic. This is the only personality where they are both task-oriented and relationship-oriented. However, with a Blue, the relationship is always at the forefront.

White – This personality is driven by peace. In their strengths they bring balance, kindness, and the voice of reason. However, in their limitations, they faint, disconnect and go silent. When the pressure is high, their physical discomfort spikes. To release the pressure they typically dis-engage. Whites seek autonomy. Give them a project, instruct them in what you want them to do … then leave them alone to do it. Whites are task-oriented and logical thinkers.

Yellow – A Yellow personality most often takes flight (emotionally or literally) to avoid conflict. As they are driven by fun, they are usually creative, persuasive, forgiving and engaging, but when in their limitations they want to keep it light. When being confronted with the facts, they often turn to humor to turn down the heat and distract the conversation. In their limitations they may have poor follow-through, often promising more than they deliver. Yellows are relationship-oriented.

Though we all have unique personalities, we each have an innate core color and a secondary color that express our natural strengths and limitations. We are most often held back by the limitations of our secondary color. From the “4 F’s”, list above, which of these most accurately describes how you avoid facing the truth and conflict? It will either most likely be from your motivating core color, your secondary color or both.

These copyrighted excerpts from The Heart in Forgiveness are in Part 2 of the book The Wisdom in RE … Rethinking Your Life ! This book was written and published by Rosalie D. Gibbons, MFT (Blue) and Gloria Manchester, CTACC (Red). Gloria and Rose are both active certified Color Code Trainers. The book is available at www.wisdominre.org

Confessions of a Red—The Science of Love

Today my son Chris and I had an interesting conversation about love. He is a White and therefore very introspective when it comes to observing human nature. I, on the other hand, am a Red so tend to discount emotions that seem to inflict the lovelorn. Still, even though I am missing the romance chip, I found the conversation interesting.

It seems that Chris’s Yellow friend is addicted to falling in love. OK, addicted might be too strong a word, but he is strongly attracted to the high that one gets when the whole falling in love process begins. So, we will throw out the word addiction, but make no mistake…there are powerful chemicals involved. Chris knows that once his friend is in the throws of early love, he won’t often see him, and when he does, he will be distant and unfocused (Chris actually used the word “stupid”). There is nothing he can do, not even intervention, to save his friend at this point. He is a goner.

Being a Red, I decided to try to check into the unemotional, physiological aspects of love. It turns out that nobody, not even a Red, is immune from this falling in love stuff.

According to Helen Fisher of Rutgers University, the love process has 3 stages, all using a different and powerful chemical cocktail.

STAGE 1. LUST

The first stage is Lust. For the purposes of this g-rated blog, we will define lust as an “intense ardor”. It is an entirely selfish response that has nothing to do with love. Research has shown it takes as little as 90 seconds to decide if you are “in lust” …hardly time to fall in love.

During the Lust stage, the hormones testosterone and oestrogen kick in. Yes, in women too. Testosterone is not confined only to men. Both of these hormones are what drive your animal instincts.

STAGE 2. ATTRACTION

The second stage is Attraction. This is that magical time when you are truly love-struck and see your new partner and your new relationship through rose-colored glasses. Your hands sweat, your heart pounds and you can’t think of much else but this unbelievable person you’ve found. You are sure that they are perfect and your relationship is unlike any in all of history. It is also when the most powerful of all the love cocktails come into play: adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin.

Adrenaline
The early stages of attraction activates your stress response, increasing your blood levels of adrenalin and cortisol so that when you unexpectedly bump into your new love, you start to sweat, your heart races and your mouth goes dry.

Dopamine
This chemical stimulates ‘desire and reward’ by triggering an intense rush of pleasure. It has the same effect on the brain as taking cocaine!

Fisher suggests “couples often show the signs of surging dopamine: increased energy, less need for sleep or food, focused attention and exquisite delight in smallest details of this novel relationship” .

Serotonin
Serotonin may explain why when you’re falling in love, you think obsessively about this new lover. Dr Donatella Marazziti, a psychiatrist at the University of Pisa analyzed blood samples from new lovers and discovered that serotonin levels were equivalent to the low serotonin levels of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder patients.

STAGE 3: ATTACHMENT

This is the stage where the rose-colored glasses come off, and you still like what you see. Scientists think there might be two major hormones involved in this feeling of attachment; oxytocin and vasopressin.

Again, this is a G-rated blog, so we won’t get into the effects or “distribution” of these two powerful hormones. Suffice it to say that they are what make us want to go forth and multiply.

Conclusion
It turns out the poets got it wrong when they waxed romantic about the heart. It is the brain that is the greatest organ of love. Without it and all the powerful chemicals it provides, you might never have advanced from stage 1. Just try finding a brain-shaped box of chocolates.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Ask the Expert

Dear Jeremy,

So my secondary and tertiary colors (red and blue) are really close (28% and 21%, respectively). But somehow I got a TON of the weaknesses of blue, and NONE of the strengths. And it’s really showing up and creating conflict in my life, esp since I’m almost 50% yellow. What does a person do about that?? Can I please have a blue-ectomy?

Tori

Hey, Tori.

Thanks for taking the time to write us about this. It’s a great question/dilemma. I would not recommend going with the Blue-ectomy, though. They’re invasive, expensive, and you may end up losing a lot of heart in the process. 🙂

What we do need to do, however, is find a way of redirecting those Blue limitation tendencies and perhaps working on developing some of the Blue strengths. The good news in this process is that now that this is all in your awareness, you will hopefully know when you are going into negative Blue mode and can make a course-correction before things get ugly. That would be a good place to start: simply recognize and adjust.

Of course, I don’t know you personally, but I do know a lot of people who are Core Yellow with Red Secondary. That type of person tends to be high-energy, extroverted, very communicative, adventuresome, persuasive, action-oriented, etc. Yellow and Red strengths tend to complement each other nicely. Interestingly enough, Yellow and Blue strengths can be even more complementary. However, Red and Blue tendencies (strengths and limitations) can oftentimes clash to create lots of inner turmoil. And, obviously, limitations from any category will create problems, generally speaking.

If you are like most Yellows with Secondary Red, the problem that occurs when you operate out of Blue limitations is that you seem to be terribly incongruent to those around you. It just doesn’t fit that you would be fun, light-hearted, sarcastic, engaging, and driven… and then all of a sudden overly sensitive, guilt-ridden, worrisome, and emotionally needy. When people see that behavior, it seems Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde-like, or in your case, perhaps like A Tale of Two Toris.

As I mentioned above, it would be great if you can find a way to overcome the Blue limitations and perhaps develop some of the strengths. Notice – we never call them “weaknesses”, by the way. We prefer the term “limitations”, because if you view them as merely obstacles to be overcome, you can use the awareness of those limitations to become much more powerful and effective. If you think about it, you could view them as opportunities for major improvement and growth in your life.

Let’s talk about where to start.

Actually, I would recommend that you take a look at two of Dr. Hartman’s products, if you haven’t already. I would look at the Hartman Character Code Profile, and I would also recommend the book, Playing Life to Win. Both of these tools can really help you in understanding how to change behavior in your life to transform limitations into strengths.

One of the exercises that we have you complete in the Character Code Profile is to identify your top three limitations. What are those top three Blue limitations that really are plaguing you? Next, think about why you engage in those particular behaviors and look for an “antidote” to work on outside of the Blue behavioral category.

For example, you might say that one of your worst Blue limitations is that you are “emotionally intense”. If that were the case, you would need to thing through your motives for being that way. You ask yourself, “Why am I emotionally intense?”. Is it because you feel the need to control other people, or because you are afraid that people aren’t doing things the “right way” – or is it something else entirely?

When you can pinpoint the motive behind the behavior you want to change, the next step is to look for a strength to focus on developing outside of the category in which the limitation falls. In this case – Blue. You have to look for a Red, Yellow, or White strength to work on so that you can cause yourself to stretch enough that you learn to not slip back into old patterns.

If you felt that being emotionally intense comes from the need to control other people, perhaps, you should work on being trusting – a Yellow strength, or accepting – a White strength. Whatever the case might be, you just need to find the antidote to YOUR motive for behaving the way you do, and then work on developing that strength.

That is a very basic overview of the process, of course, but as I mentioned above, a combination of the Hartman Character Code Profile and Dr. Hartman’s book, Playing Life to Win will definitely get you on a very practical road to making some of the changes you currently desire… No Blue-ectomy required. 😉

Very best of living,

Jeremy Daniel
Training Director
Color Code International

Color Code’s Cheat Sheet for Lovers

February is a great month to celebrate and work on relationships—especially those with your significant other or hopeful significant other. So with that in mind, we created this fun little “Cheat Sheet” for you to have a quick reference way to improve your relationship with your Mr./Mrs. Right or potential Mr./Mrs. Right.

And if your still thirsty for more great dating and relationship advice, don’t forget to check out or new ebook called Dating Secrets that is on sale in our store for only $2.95 this month. Included in it are:

In-depth descriptions of traditional color compatibility
Charts that list “what makes you hot” and “what makes you not” depending on your Color Personality
The Color Personalities’ needs and wants.
The Do’s and Don’ts of each motive type.
You will also find information on what to expect in a relationship with each Color Personality so if you are “on the hunt” you can know what to expect before you have 2.5 kids and a mortgage.
And finally, tips on how to improve your relationship if you’ve already found Mr./Mrs. Right and want to work on keeping it that way (because we all know relationships take work).

Happy Valentine’s Day from The Color Code Team!

Enjoy!