Do you have any tips for red/white relationships?

To be perfectly honest I am often tired and I wish he just left me alone sometimes. I would like some time to do things that I enjoy, do yoga or even just relax. I am tired of constant cooking, entertaining and socializing.

Mary

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Dear Mary,

Thank you for the question. I really appreciate your situation and have seen many others like this before. I definitely have some feedback for you, and some of it will be a bit direct (though not critical), and I feel that it may help you tremendously.

When I read your question, it’s admittedly difficult for me to feel like I completely understand the entire scenario. I wonder about how healthy both of you are in relation to each other. I wonder if selfishness on his part (which is common for Reds) is out of control or whether you have simply allowed – or perhaps even enabled – much of his behavior (which many Whites do).

I simply cannot know the answers to these question at this point, so I am going to proceed assuming that things are fairly healthy and that he would be responsive to you if you were to attempt to create some change. I’m also going to give tips exclusively for you, because you are the one asking, and the only change that you can control is what you personally decide to work on. (We can’t force him to change, but we hope he will choose to as you change things up a bit).

With that preamble, I’m just going to come out and give you my number one tip in a very direct way. Are you ready for this?

You need to get a life.

Here’s what I mean. Reds know what they want, how they want to do it, what resources they have at their disposal, etc. And, they will simply and matter-of-factly do what they want to do. If you are not setting your own agenda, they are happy to set it for you, and most of the time, it’s not personal at all. They are usually not trying to hold you back or be overly controlling, etc., it’s just that they figure that they have a life and you don’t, so they will simply involve you in their world.

The best part is that usually all you have to do is get your own life and set your own agenda. When you do that, a lot of times they’ll tell you that they never knew those things were important to you or that they actually enjoy seeing you branching out on your own.

Here are a few tips on how to do this:

1. Create a specific plan of what you want. Identify 2-3 things that you want to change, which you already have started doing (yoga, time to relax, less time socializing, less cooking/entertaining, etc.). Next, get specific. Decide to enroll in a yoga class, and find a schedule that works the best for you and the family. You will also need to identify what specifically you need in terms of relaxation time. Is that time to meditate every day, or just veg out and watch T.V. or read a book? Is a certain time frame important to you (e.g., the end of the day?, middle of the day?, weekends?, etc.). Maybe he and other members of the family should have one night a week where they prepare dinner, or instead of cooking for everyone, you go out once a week.

2. Tell your husband what you need directly and factually. You will need to tell him that you feel frustrated, why, and what changes you are planning on making. State things in a way that shows that you are resolute and that you have already started making plans (and that those plans are well-thought-out and fair). Say, “I’ve looked at 3 different yoga studios, and this one offers classes on these days, which will interfere the least with what our family schedule is, so that’s where I’m going to enroll.” If he has questions, he will bring them up – that’s a Red’s nature. He may, though, simply accept things at face value if you present them in a matter-of-fact format.

3. Stand your ground. If he becomes selfish, because he perceives that some of his time and/or hobbies are threatened, he will push back. Maybe even aggressively. This is the final obstacle for you to clear. Don’t let him get you emotionally worked up. Stay rational and stand your ground. You may even want to have an exit strategy in mind for the conversation if it gets heated. Know what you are going to say. Perhaps something like, “Honey, you know I love you, but I’ve thought it through, and I really need to do these things for myself. I’m not going to fight about it, so let’s go get some sleep.” (Give him a kiss and walk away. End of conversation).

If he is like most Reds, by the time morning rolls around, he will be willing to be a little more reasonable. If he continues to sulk or want to fight, you may need to stand your ground a little longer. Just be sure to use your White gifts of being logical, balanced, and grounded. Don’t get pulled into the fire-fight, and continue to move forward with your plan. Once you clear this obstacle, not only will you find more time to do things that are important for you, you will probably also find that your Red husband has a lot more respect for you in general, which will do wonders for your relationship moving forward.

Give that a try, Mary, and see if it helps. I hope it doesn’t sound like a hard thing. Even if it does, though, I promise you it will probably be easier than you think it will be.

I leave you today with the words of Amelia Earhart:

“Courage is the price that Life exacts for granting peace, The soul that knows it not, knows no release from little things.”

You can do this, Mary… and you’ll be so glad that you did.

Very best of living,

Jeremy

Jeremy Daniel
Training Director
Color Code International

Jeremy Daniel (Core Color: Yellow) has been working with the Color Code since 1998 in various capacities from training in the field personally with Dr. Taylor Hartman to designing customized corporate solutions and new training programs for various industries.  To ask about Jeremy’s training or speaking services, please email and inquiry to jeremy@colorcodetraining.com.