teresa.glenn – Page 6 – blog.colorcode.com

My Red Best Friend

A Blue personality discusses what she admires about her Red best friend in spite of these two heavyweight colors frequently clashing.

When I was four years old, my family moved to a new city and I found myself invited to a Valentine’s Day party attended by new, unfamiliar faces. While at the party, a timid, Blue/White me steadfastly stayed by my mother’s side, too shy to try to make new friends. As the story goes, a little girl, noticing my timidity and hearing my plight of being “the new kid,” marched up to my mom and I and stated confidently, “I’ll take care of her!”

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that child was a Red. And true to her bold declaration, she did take care of me and has continued to do so for the last 21 years. Yes, I am a Blue and my best friend is a Red. And though these two colors don’t always get along, we can learn a lot from each other. I admire a lot about my BFF and continue to learn from her strengths.

In this post, I’m going to share some things I admire about her as a Red and hopefully other Blues will take note. When we don’t get along with certain personality types, it can be hard to appreciate them for the value they do bring. Reds and Blues naturally clash, but they both have so much to offer and would be wise to learn to appreciate one another. It should be noted that I have a lot of White characteristics, so my friend’s Red complements that nicely. Regardless of whether our personalities have complemented one another or clashed, here are some things I admire about her (and other Reds) that hopefully will help you identify some great qualities in your Red friend(s):

She takes action

One of the Red strengths is being action-oriented. This is so true about my friend — Aubree would not be Aubree without action. As kids, this was a lot of fun, because we were rarely bored. Like I mentioned, although I’m a core Blue, I’ve got a lot of White characteristics as well, so she helped drive me to action, which I needed. I remember during the Paralympics in 2002 we heard about a team from Romania who had lost their luggage. Rather than simply feeling bad for them and moving on, Aubree and I knocked door-to-door in our neighborhood collecting money for these athletes. We probably only scrounged up around $27 dollars, but we didn’t stop at that. We ended up having dinner with these athletes when they came to town and presenting our “generous” donation. I am positive I would have never had this — and other similar experiences — if not for my Red buddy.

She’s a great leader

Reds are known for leadership, and Aubree does not disappoint. I prefer to follow rather than lead, so it works great for our friendship. In my adult years, I’ve been given more opportunities to lead and I don’t know that I would have succeeded as well as I have if not for the example of the friend who was found at my side through my adolescence. If we were babysitting together, she was there to take charge during crises. When we worked on the stage crew for our junior high musical, she was made stage manager and went above and beyond the call. When we and two other friends formed an unofficial foursquare team at recess in elementary school, we were called “The Aubree Team.” The name was very fitting.

She is confident

I believe confidence takes a person really far in life. I really admire Aubree’s confidence, because it leads her to becoming involved. Growing up she was involved in dance, piano lessons, cello lessons, soccer, tennis, Youth City Council and student government. Today she expertly mothers her two toddlers and successfully works four part-time jobs. I believe her success comes from her confidence not because she believes she’s the best but because she believes she can. I have a lot to learn from that! My perfectionistic nature could learn a thing or two about confidence so I can drop trying to be perfect and pick up just doing it!

She is determined

While I’m one of those people who sees a 1,000-piece puzzle and thinks “no thanks,” Aubree is the type who sees it as a challenge to be conquered. And while I’m not sure she’s actually done a 1,000-piece puzzle, I’m positive she would finish no matter what it takes. Aubree is very determined, despite detrimental consequences. Several years ago, she ran a lengthy race on an injured foot, and instead of quitting when it was causing her a lot of pain, she pushed through and finished. I’m sure her determination has led to her many successes in life and although I can’t say I’d like to run a race on a hurt foot, I would like to try and finish more challenging projects.

A Note to the Readers

Readers, does this sound like your Red friends? Whether we understand Reds or not, we sure are blessed to have them in our lives. If you’re anything like me, be sure to take some notes on the Reds in your life so you can try to emulate their wonderful qualities. If you personally feel intimidated by Reds or you are having a hard time fostering relationships with them, try focusing on their strong, positive qualities and how those qualities balance some of your own. Hopefully, by applying that, you can better connect with and appreciate the Reds surrounding you. Good luck!

Megan Christensen graduated from Brigham Young University-Idaho in 2014 with a Bachelor’s degree in communication. She previously worked as the head writer for KSL.com and is now the digital content manager for the Color Code. Her core color is Blue, but she is almost just as White.

Life Lessons We Can Learn From Yellows

For the worried Blue readers out there, the intense Red readers and the indifferent White readers, let’s take a page out of a Yellow’s book and learn more about why life is so fun for them.

It’s hard not to love a healthy Yellow. Even if you can’t keep up with their spontaneity, they sure are fun to have around. Yellows love life, which is something a lot of people hope to achieve. While every color has many qualities to admire, today’s post will focus on what we can learn from the Yellow personality.

For the worried Blue readers out there, the intense Red readers and the indifferent White readers, let’s take a page out of a Yellow’s book and learn more about why life is so fun for them.

Yellows are fun-loving

The Yellow Driving Core Motive is fun. Yellows properly define fun. Fun means enjoying someone or something simply for the sake of enjoyment. It has nothing to do with results or improvement or complex meaning. Fun means enjoying whoever or whatever you are in the moment. Blues, Whites and Reds, instead of overly worrying about your fun plans going perfectly or defining fun as something more complex or difficult to achieve, think like a Yellow and simply have the fun without making more out of it than it is.

Yellows are happy

Yellows have an innate ability to be happy. Yellows focus on appreciating what they have rather than ruminating on what they lack. Yellows wake up happy daily. Blues think they must be taking medicine because they don’t think anybody can be that happy. But Yellows are. If you struggle to adopt the happiness of a Yellow, try focusing on gratitude — it seems to work for them!

Yellows are enthusiastic

Yellows represent enthusiasm and share this excitement with everyone they meet. They are terrific at social involvements and have a way of making a party out of everyday living. They remind us of our youth and the joy that comes from innocent hopes and optimistic dreams. If you’d like to be more enthusiastic like a Yellow, find something you are passionate about and share it with those you love. It’s a start!

Yellows are optimistic

Yellows always see the glass as half full. They know things will work out no matter how desperate the situation is. Yellows have a lot of faith in humanity and in life. Subsequently, life and humanity show a lot of faith in Yellows. They have the uncanny ability to land on their feet regardless of where they fall. Faith can be a scary thing for a lot of people, but it’s an important lesson we can learn from Yellows. If you’re looking to develop more faith and optimism, start with something small — like believing at least one good thing will happen to you on any given day — then let optimism become a habit.

Yellows are playful

None of the other colors play like a Yellow does. They are extremely spontaneous and are always ready to do something fun. A Yellow’s play does not need to be productive. The activity of play is, in itself, valuable enough to warrant a Yellow’s attention. Yellows love to celebrate anything they can. They love holidays and special moments and will take advantage of any opportunity to have fun. If you are someone who struggles to relax enough to just play, learn this lesson from a Yellow. Say yes to more opportunities to have fun. You don’t have to give up your need for alone time, structure or productivity, but you can learn to have more fun in life.

The Yellows are probably out playing as the Reds, Whites and Blues read this, so now that you’ve come to the end of this blog post, don’t forget to go out and enjoy life. We all have a lot to learn from Yellows, but don’t feel too bad — Yellows have a lot to learn from everyone else too.

—The Color Code Team

The Dos and Don’ts of a Relationship with a Blue

To help you develop a positive connection with Blues, we’d like to provide you with some “Dos” and “Don’ts.” By reading the following list, hopefully you will be able to not only develop a positive connection with them, but understand them better as well.

The Driving Core Motive of a Blue personality is intimacy. They want to connect with you! In return, they NEED to be understood. This may prove difficult for others to do because Blues are highly complex people. They are simultaneously sensitive, intense, caring, critical, giving and unforgiving.

Regardless of their complexity, it is worthwhile to pursue a connection with a Blue. Life cannot bestow on anyone a more gratifying reward than the sincere appreciation and trust of a Blue friend, coworker or family member.

To help you develop a positive connection with Blues, we’d like to provide you with some “Dos” and “Don’ts.”By reading the following list, hopefully you will be able to not only develop a positive connection with them, but understand them better as well.

DO

Emphasize their security in the relationship

As friends, Blues are very insecure about others’ acceptance and approval. They also feel rejected easily. On the positive side, Blue friends will be loyal forever once a friendship is established. In return, they expect their friends to maintain strong loyalty. To develop a positive connection with a Blue, try emphasizing their security in your relationship by letting them know how much their friendship means to you and make sure to instigate opportunities to get together with them. Sending them an appreciative text message once in awhile or having monthly lunches with them may go a long way.

Be sincere and genuine

Blues’ trademarks are their loyalty to people and their sincerity in relationships at home and at work. Blues genuinely care how their friends are doing. In developing a positive connection with a Blue, give them a taste of their own medicine and be sincere and genuine right back. If they’re going through a hard time, show them you sincerely care by checking up on them regularly. When sharing your life with them, be real.

Appreciate them

Blues need to be appreciated for always going the extra mile. Rather than simply patting them on the back, thank them and specifically remember them for their good deeds and on special occasions. If your Blue spouse cleans the house, take notice and let them know how great it looks and how much you appreciate that they took the time to do it. If your Blue friend has a birthday coming up, remember to call them.

DON’T

Make them feel guilty

Blues already have a lot of guilt. They are huge worriers. Blues can be guilted into almost anything, and they will chastise themselves forever for wrongs they think they may have done. If a Blue does something you don’t like, don’t make them feel guilty about it; chances are, they are already doing that themselves!

Be rude or abrupt

Blues are very emotional people. On the one hand, they’re very giving and sensitive, but on the other hand, they can be unforgiving and overly sensitive. Though Blues give more than the other personalities, they forgive less. It’s not that Blues can’t or don’t forgive, it is more that they struggle to do so. They take things personally, and when an offense occurs, it roots itself at their deepest core, making forgiveness a much more difficult challenge than for other colors. If you snap at your Blue friend on a bad day, you may really hurt their feelings and they may not readily forgive you for it.

Expect spontaneity

Your Blue friends will rarely be playful and spontaneous. If you’re a fun-loving Yellow or an adventurous Red, this may be hard for you. Again, Blues are worriers. They worry about everything, and that excess worry limits the amount of excitement they can handle in one day. Rather than expecting spontaneity from a Blue, try making plans with them instead.

Now that we’ve given you a few guidelines, hopefully you can develop a positive connection with a Blue — it will be worth it! Remember, everybody is different and the above may not apply to every Blue if they have a secondary color influencing them. Those who do relate to this however will greatly appreciate you taking the time to understand how to have a better relationship with them.

— The Color Code Team

Parenting a White: Taking a Positive Approach To Their Limitations

In this article, we will identify some limitations of children with White personalities and provide you with some tips so you can approach these limitations in a more positive way.

If you are the parent of a child with a White personality, congratulations! White children are very simple and undemanding. They are typically the easiest babies, and they go through life with an even temper.

White children have great strengths. They are very agreeable to established traditions and boundaries. They are willing to accommodate their siblings and their parents. They play well by themselves, they accept life without drama and they are peacekeepers.

And of course, just like the other colors, children with White personalities have limitations. These limitations might drive you crazy! But since your child may not recognize how they can overcome their limitations yet, it may be up to you to learn to deal with them.

In this article, we will identify some limitations of children with White personalities and provide you with some tips so you can approach these limitations in a more positive way.

Here we go!

1. White children resent being pressured to do things

As a parent, you want to see your child thrive. So if your White child is unmotivated and uninvolved — two natural limitations of the White personality — you may find yourself hounding them to do their homework or pressuring them to join a team sport. Well, Whites don’t like being controlled. As a Red or a Blue parent, this is difficult, because you want to control others. But instead of pressuring your White child into doing things, show patience with them and try not to rush them and do not be cruel or insensitive. Instead, try combining firmness with kindness.

2. White children don’t contribute much to conversations

Whites often feel things very deeply, but they struggle to express their feelings to others. As a parent, you’re probably wondering what’s going on inside their heads and it may be hard for you that they don’t contribute much to conversations. However, don’t rush communication and don’t force immediate verbal expression. Try looking for nonverbal clues to their feelings. They may not be saying much, but that doesn’t mean they’re not thinking things over in their head or that they’re not happy with you. When they do talk, hear them out and listen quietly and carefully. Whites are great listeners so show them the same courtesy.

3. White children prefer the comforts of home to the demands of the world

While there’s nothing wrong with being a homebody necessarily, you also probably want your child to experience what the world has to offer. You’d like to see them go out and make friends and be involved with life. However, to have the best relationship with your White child, don’t expect them to need much social interaction. Just because you were the student body president of your high school doesn’t mean that’s what they want. Of course, it’s still wise to encourage our children to go outside their comfort zone and to try new things, but with a White, you do not want to overwhelm them with too much at once. Since they may not go looking for ways to get involved in the world on their own, try sharing ideas with them that you think they might like.

4. White children don’t complete tasks

Whites are unmotivated. A lot of Whites do not have direction and commitment, two critical elements of motivation. Goals are the only hope for an unmotivated White; Without them, Whites remain disengaged and unmotivated. Until they are able to establish direction in their lives, Whites often remain complacent, yet unsettled. Try setting goals with your White child. For example, if they struggle to complete their homework on time, sit down with them each week and make goals such as writing down their homework assignments in a planner, completing their homework before they can watch TV and working to get an “A” in a subject in which they excel.

Now that you’ve finished reading, you’re bound to be a perfect parent! 😉 Remember to be patient with yourself and with your children, and in time, we can all learn to overcome our limitations. Parents of Whites, good luck!

— The Color Code Team

A Bucket List for Reds

If there’s any personality who can successfully check things off their bucket list, it’s a Red. Which is why we are going to do the honors of providing our “Kings of the Jungle” with a bucket list that will (hopefully) dually cater to their personalities and allow them to stretch themselves.

Reds get things done. Period. The healthy Reds in our lives are assertive, action-oriented, motivated, determined and proactive. If there’s any personality who can successfully check things off their bucket list, it’s a Red. Which is why we are going to do the honors of providing our “Kings of the Jungle” with a bucket list that will (hopefully) dually cater to their personalities and allow them to stretch themselves.

This bucket list will be broken into two categories: Five things Reds should do before they’re 30 and two things Reds need to do before they die. Although there are more things listed in the first category, these are items that will likely be easier for Reds to accomplish, as they come naturally to them. The two things mentioned in the latter category may be more difficult for a Red to accomplish, but luckily, there are fewer bucket list items to focus on and more years to achieve them. Reds, buckle your seatbelts and get ready for this ride.

Five Things Reds Should Do Before They’re 30

1. Teach their mother how to be a better parent

As children, Reds are critical of their parents and believe they know better than they do. Red children communicate what they are thinking, and they are highly articulate and persuasive. When their parents are out of the house, Red children take charge.

2. Win every argument

Reds demand to be right 100 percent of the time. They don’t ask if other think they’re right, they just state that they are right. Even when it’s obvious that a Red has been wrong, they claim others misunderstood or misinterpreted what they were saying.

3. Break a Blue’s heart

Reds and Blues are “uncomfortable opposites.” Reds and Blues have to work the hardest to be successfully compatible out of all the personality combinations. Reds don’t love easily, while Blues love deeply and are disappointed by those who can’t love. Reds behave insensitively, while Blues behave too sensitively.

4. Run in a marathon or “run” (be in charge of) the entire event

Reds are competitive. Reds want to be productive and Reds like to work — thus, running in a marathon. Reds also seek leadership opportunities. They like to be in the driver’s seat and Reds are willing to pay any price for an opportunity to lead, thus “running” the marathon.

5. Run a country

Again with the leadership. People frequently call Reds “control freaks” because they like to get things done their way. President Donald Trump is a Red, as is Hillary Clinton.

Two Things Reds Need to Do Before They Die

1. Become vulnerable and share their heart

Reds want to hide their insecurities tightly. They are so good at hiding their insecurities so deeply, they don’t consciously feel the pain associated with them. Reds struggle with intimacy. They are so determined and productive by nature that their lack of intimacy is often ignored or overlooked as a legitimate concern, both by the Reds themselves and those close to them. Their calculating minds combined with invulnerability often makes true intimacy an impractical notion and highly unlikely!

2. Leave their cell phone and computer at home and take a real vacation

Reds want to be productive. Remember, they like to work. Reds need to get the job done, and they are often workaholics. Therefore, relaxation may be tough for them to apply.

Reds, hopefully this post was a productive use of your time. 😉 Although not every item on this list will be easy to accomplish, you may find it will lead to a better life. Don’t forget that it’s OK to have fun!

— The Color Code Team

A Guide to Productivity for Yellows

This article provides time management tips for Yellow personalities to help them combat their natural limitations of being undisciplined, uncommitted and disorganized.

If it were up to a Yellow, their days would be filled with fun. Unfortunately for them, life requires a lot of work, which isn’t always a hoot.

Although Yellows have absolutely fantastic strengths, they also have limitations to work on. Some of their limitations that may prevent them from successfully fulfilling the work required by life include their lack of commitment, their disorganization and their undisciplined nature.

If you’re a Yellow who struggles with any of the above, have no fear! This article will give you tips to manage your time and combat these limitations.

Yellows are uncommitted:

Yellows would rather take the easy road through life. Yellows start more projects than anyone else because of their enthusiasm. However, because they are uncommitted, they successfully complete the fewest projects. To be committed, one must be constantly dedicated, which is too much for a Yellow to handle. Take a look at some ideas below to combat this limitation.

Time management tips to help Yellows become committed:

Set achievable “time bits” where you focus on a specific task for a specific amount of time and reward yourself for sticking to it. For example, commit to focusing on one task at work for 1 hour without checking your phone, and then treat yourself to your favorite vending machine snack if you do it.
Commit to the bigger picture. Create a long-term plan of substance and seek specific activities you can complete to make it a reality. So if your long-term plan is to lose 30 pounds and keep the weight off, try committing to 30 minutes of daily exercise and only two “treats” per week.

Yellows are disorganized:

Yellows’ lives are filled with clutter. It takes organization and effort to get rid of clutter. And, for the most part, Yellows don’t get immediate satisfaction from addressing the clutter in their lives. They are able to sort through it when they have to, but they accommodate chaos easily, which the other colors don’t enjoy.

Time management tips to help Yellows become organized:

Do a little planning up front so you get it right the first time. Rather than “winging” a project at work, try making an execution plan so you don’t waste time hoping it goes well.
Set and prioritize specific goals every day. It may be helpful to find an organization app that works well for you. Then you can put your most important to-dos at the top of the list and the lesser important ones lower. It may be satisfying to check them off the list!

Yellows are undisciplined:

Power does not interest Yellows, but even if it did, they don’t have the discipline it takes to solve challenging problems. They get so frustrated by day-to-day activities they find boring, such as paying bills or grocery shopping, that they lose concentration and wrack their brains for how they can escape doing those activities.

Time management tips to help Yellows become disciplined:

Focus on what is necessary rather than what is fun. Quality requires both.
Balance undemanding creativity with focused commitments. Try sketching, writing in your journal or playing music during your lunch break. These creative outlets may dually serve as a productive use of your time and a “brain break” so you’re more rested when you get back to your focused commitments at work.

For the Yellows who made it to the end of this article — all three of you 😉 — hopefully these tips help! If you didn’t make it to the end of this article, don’t worry, a Red will probably be pinning these tips to your cubicle soon.

— The Color Code Team

Combating Depression: Advice from a Blue

A Blue personality discusses the natural limitations that contributed to her depression and offers advice to those diagnosed with depression who also deal with the same limitations.

As a 20-year-old sophomore in college, I had a lot going for me. I was living abroad with three good friends, I was traveling to exotic countries, I was working toward obtaining a higher education and I was in love. Despite all of the wonderful aspects of my life, there was something that overshadowed the good: Depression.

I was officially diagnosed with situational depression shortly after moving home from my semester abroad in Russia. Up to that point, it was the darkest period of my life. On paper, it didn’t make sense for me to be depressed, and yet, I was. Difficult doesn’t begin to describe the years I warred with this mental illness.

Though it didn’t logically make sense for me to be feeling so depressed, understanding my personality from a Color Code perspective now helps me identify characteristics that contributed to my depression. I am a Blue, and it just so happens that Blues are more prone to depression than the other colors.

Before we look further into these characteristics, remember there are many shades of Blue — we are all different. Some Blues may feel they don’t struggle with the same limitations I do. And even if they do, they may have found a healthy way to overcome them. However, if others relate to what I am about to tell you, I hope to provide helpful actions to combat depression and other mental illnesses.

My limitation: I have unrealistic expectations, especially for myself and my life. I tend to create a timeline of where I should be in my life, and it’s because I compare myself to others. For example, as a 20-year-old, I wanted to graduate college by the time I was 22, but I also wanted to travel more. Sure, I’d lived in Russia for a semester and traveled while there, but that was only one corner of the world. If I expected to graduate at 22, I couldn’t put off school and continue to travel. If I wanted to travel a ton, I couldn’t pay for school. I wanted my life to be as picture perfect as everyone else’s looked on social media, but it wasn’t realistic (for me or them).

My advice: Stop comparing yourself to others and thinking you should be doing more than you are. Determine what’s most important to you (e.g. college OR travel) and make that a priority without worrying that you will never achieve your other goals. Recognize these things take time and be patient with yourself.

My limitation: I am worry-prone. I tend to focus way too much on the future with a tunneled perspective. While depressed, I would stew over things like “What if I never get married?” or “What if I never get happy again?” (Spoiler alert, I’m married and have found happiness.) I created problems that weren’t there yet and never would be.

My advice: Focus on who you are rather than who you are not. Instead of thinking, “I am not pretty,” think, “I am kind.” Additionally, focus on what you do have and not what you don’t. Rather than hyper focusing on whether or not you’ve checked off a reasonable amount of boxes on your bucket list, focus on what you’ve achieved and what you’re currently working to achieve.

My limitation: I get too jealous. For whatever reason, I think a lot of us look at others’ success and view it as our own failure. If someone else lands their dream job, we can’t be happy for them because we haven’t found ours. It doesn’t make sense, but I believe it’s a real thing, and I felt this way a lot when I was depressed.

My advice: Rather than focusing on the thing you’re jealous of, think about the person you’re jealous of. If it’s one of your friends or family members, who it often seems to be, think about your love for them and how you do want them to be happy. Then let yourself celebrate with them. I think it’s less lonely to celebrate with them than to distance yourself from them.

Now that I’ve revealed my insecurities — how Blue of me 😉 — I hope others who have similarly struggled can take comfort in knowing they’re not alone and there is a way to overcome some of our less-than-admired qualities. Blues, if you have additional suggestions as to how you’ve fought against your mental illness or limitations, share them with us in the comments below! Remember, our goal is to become Charactered (attaining strengths outside our core colors), but we can be patient with ourselves until we get there.

Color Code’s Cheat Sheet for Lovers

February is a great month to celebrate and work on relationships — especially those with your significant other or hopeful significant other.

This post was previously published on the blog Feb. 11, 2013.

February is a great month to celebrate and work on relationships — especially those with your significant other or hopeful significant other. So with that in mind, we created this fun little “Cheat Sheet” for you to have a quick reference way to improve your relationship with your Mr./Mrs. Right or potential Mr./Mrs. Right.

Happy Valentine’s Day from the Color Code Team!

Enjoy!

Marriage and the Color Code

This is what LOVE in a marriage is all about — the will to grow yourself and help your spouse to grow in the process. With love-in-action — everyone wins!

I’m excited to share some thoughts with you about marriage and the Color Code. My wife, Tammy, and I will celebrate 39 years of marriage in July. Fifteen years ago, we almost lost our marriage. We were in trouble. My wife said, “I’m done!” Thankfully, we were invited to a “color meeting.”

I was quite resistant. Feeling insecure and being dragged, I left lots of black heel marks going into that meeting in August of 2002. But I walked out of that meeting in awe, realizing my wife was a member of a very elite group of people, known as “The Blues.”

I discovered there was a motive, a why, a reason she had served me, our daughters, our school, our church and our community so beautifully over the years. She is motivated by intimacy, a deep, close, trusting desire for sincere relationships. She brings the gifts of quality and service to those she chooses to “go all in” with, and she does it with genuine thoughtfulness. That evening helped me understand my optimistic nature and the fact that I am a Yellow, motivated by fun.

We learned that our Blue/Yellow relationship is called “Hand in Glove.” We knew it was a great relationship…when we lived in the strengths of our personalities, but we also knew what a mess we could create if we lived in the limitations and dysfunctions of our personalities. We began to recognize WE could decide what our future would become.

Knowledge is power. We started using our new knowledge, and spent the next 4 years putting our 25-year marriage back together. With God’s grace, the road map of the Color Code, and with the skills of emotional intelligence, we were able to rebuild and restore our marriage, making it better than ever!

In 2007, we were certified as independent Color Code executive trainers. Over the course of the last 10 years, we have shared this life-changing tool with thousands of people in marriage seminars and in corporate leadership trainings, through our company, Motive Matters, LLC. Smart companies know a worker with healthy relationships at home is a happier, safer, more productive worker on the job.

So, in a short article, what could I share with you about marriage?

First of all, the cold, hard reality is the institution of marriage is under assault in our culture today. We are currently experiencing the lowest marriage rate in history.

What difference does this make?

Studies show almost every human interest we experience, whether it is our physical and mental health, our security, our educational development or our financial well-being, is made stronger and better by healthy marriages and family relationships.

Secondly, I am a marriage advocate! As one who almost lost my marriage 15 years ago, I can tell you that having my marriage, my friendship with my wife and my family together, especially with the addition of grandchildren, is one of my greatest and most treasured accomplishments in life.

Don’t misunderstand what I am saying. Do not remain in a marriage where there is abuse. If you do not feel safe, get help.

Also, divorce does not make you a failure. I have never met a couple who got married with the intention of getting a divorce. However, the reality is we all have times when we don’t know how to get along.

Dr. John Gottman has conducted research on married couples for more than 35 years. His data shows that 69 percent of marital conflicts come from differences in personalities. Think about that for a moment…7 out of 10 conflicts!

The Color Code provides a framework, a system, a road map that virtually anyone can use to create a greater sense of compatibility in their marriage.

The statement we hear most often in our work with married couples is, “I just don’t love him (or her) anymore.”

Let’s talk about LOVE. Dr. M. Scott Peck in “The Road Less Traveled” gave me a definition of love I could understand and work with in my marriage. I adapted his definition somewhat and put it to work.

Love is THE WILL to extend myself for the purpose of nurturing my own personal growth and the personal growth and well-being of others.

(Notice, it is “THE WILL,” not the wish, not the hope, not the desire, but the WILL. The definition of will is a desire of sufficient intensity so as to cause or produce action.)

Understanding my wife’s motive of intimacy, knowing the basic needs and wants of a Blue, realizing her strengths and limitations, I began to apply “Love” to my marriage, using this definition. The Color Code provided me the structure to carry out my plan.

Here is a real-life example:

Tammy, as a Blue, has a need to be understood. It was easy for her to go on and on….and on with details about her day that were not fun to this Yellow. However, I wanted to have a good relationship with her.

As a Yellow, I can be a very poor listener! Sometimes, I have a hard time focusing and can be easily distracted. I also have an automatic tendency to interrupt and redirect conversations to something “more fun” for us to talk about. If I were going to help my wife feel more understood and secure in our relationship, I would need to find a way to extend myself, to grow myself into becoming an attentive, highly skilled, active-listener.

Our personalities are very strong! It takes hard work, commitment, courage and lots of grace to accomplish personal growth and build Character.

I had to focus my commitment to be a good listener. I began to practice being a good listener by intentionally concentrating on what she was saying. Then I practiced some more….practice, practice, practice.

I actually used my “out of the box” technique pictured below, which helped me build new pathways in my brain to overcome my poor listening habits.

Over time, guess what happened? I became a better listener, and Tammy began to feel understood and more secure in my love. I found her stories were actually interesting and even somewhat entertaining.

Guess what else happened? She began to realize that I, as a Yellow, didn’t really care about ALL the details. She knew I was working to be a better listener, so she began to shorten her stories!

Together, we worked to create fresh compatibility between our Blue and Yellow colors. Love-in-action began to restore respect, cooperation and teamwork in our marriage.

This is what LOVE in a marriage is all about — the will to grow yourself and help your spouse to grow in the process. With love-in-action — everyone wins!

Van and Tammy Benson live in Mount Vernon, Missouri. They have 4 daughters, 4 sons-in-law and 11 grandchildren. They love the message of the Color Code more than ever! For more information, visit their websites www.MotiveMatters.com and www.ColorYourMarriage.com.

Ask the Expert – Why Motive?

Unless you’ve been a stranger to the Color Code system, or if perhaps you only know us casually because you took Color Code Profile out of curiosity (or something like that), you know that we are all about understanding people’s MOTIVES.

Let me tell you why the concept of MOTIVE will change your life.

Here’s a quick thought for you that I hope makes a lot of sense.

Motive is everything to the Color Code. It’s our “secret sauce,” if you will. (Psst – don’t tell anybody I told you that!) 😉

But it’s true. That’s what we are all about.

For some people, the concept of Motive seems a little strange, because it’s not what they are used to seeing. If you’ve done a DiSC assessment, or MBTI, or StrengthsFinder, or if you took a quick personality test online to see what kind of dog you are, etc., you’ve experienced a BEHAVIOR-based assessment.

(I’m a golden retriever on the dog test, in case you’re curious. Haha!)

Let’s think about this, though…

Have you ever behaved in a way that was inconsistent with the way that you actually felt about something? Of course you have!

You might even do that every single day.

The truth is that we tend to judge ourselves based on our motives (our inner workings), but we judge others based on their outward behavior, because that’s all that we can see.

…or is it?

What if you could develop the ability to look beyond a person’s behavior so that you can truly “get” them?

What if you could look through your 4-year-old’s tantrum to know what is actually going on? What if you could wrap your mind around your boss’s rant, so that you could hear him/her objectively? What if you could really understand why someone you love so much is being so difficult — or so distant?

Well, you CAN with the Color Code. The secret is MOTIVE, and that’s what we teach. It’s not rocket science either. It’s simple and it works!

Start looking beyond behavior and begin learning about MOTIVE. You will transform your relationships. You will change your LIFE!

Jeremy Daniel

Jeremy Daniel is the Vice President of Training for Color Code. He leads our Trainer Certification Program and has been teaching the Color Code and delivering motive-based applications to clients internationally since 1998.