As a true Yellow, I’ve enjoyed a great many relationships throughout my life. Connections are easy. Long-term commitment is harder. Perhaps that is why I’ve had so little conflict in my interactions with others. I find it easy to get along with most people and easy to walk away from those I don’t. It takes a lot to offend me, and when I get offended, I forgive without a thought. So imagine my surprise when I found myself with a full-fledged enemy — my mother-in-law.

I’m almost embarrassed to admit that my first and only adversary was a figure so cliché. We find ourselves in frequent disagreement. Feelings are often hurt and pride tends to get the better of us. In-law relationships can be brutal, awkward and oppositional. This is no mystery. What is intriguing is that even though these relationships can be so tricky, there isn’t a lot of protocol on how to navigate these choppy waters.

Enter the Color Code.

I grew up with the Color Code as an integral part of my family culture, but unfortunately only payed it the minimal amount of required attention (yes, hello, I’m a Yellow). When I was a young teen, my grandfather administered the test during a family gathering after he’d discovered the many merits of understanding and maneuvering interpersonal relationships. It was fun and enlightening. We laughed at how spot-on the colors were, and going forward we’d attribute actions to their primary and secondary colors. Someone would get a promotion at work, and my grandpa would proclaim, “That’s because he has a lot of Red in him,” or someone would get their feelings hurt, and my aunt would shake her head and say, “It’s tough being so Blue.”

After my husband and I were married, we spent a long road trip becoming reacquainted with the Color Code, and we found it simultaneously enlightening and helpful for our relationship. After talking about how interesting it was, we decided it would be fun to administer the test at our next family gathering.

Imagine my surprise when the end result was rife with tension and suspicion. Not from my Yellow brother-in-law, who proudly high-fived me because we’re both self-centered, obnoxious, overly dramatic and totally awesome. Not from my White father-in-law, who nodded and feigned interest in what was happening around him. But from my Blue mother-in-law, who was absolutely convinced we were using the test as some sort of setup that would expose all her weaknesses and insecurities. Oh boy. To this day, years later, the Color Code is a subject I dare not broach with her. To be honest, I was surprised she was a Blue. My wonderful mother is a Blue. My dear husband is a Blue. And my sweet daughter is a Blue. The most rewarding and enriching relationships I have come from compassionate, sincere, loyal and generous Blues. I suppose I was so shocked because I’d never been on the receiving end of the Blue wrath.

Even though the activity wasn’t the family fun I assumed it would be, I have been able to use it to my advantage to help increase my understanding of her and to do my part in keeping the peace in a relationship filled with tension.

It’s not me, it’s you (and sometimes a little bit me): I don’t blame my mother-in-law for our relationship, but I have come to understand that much of it is beyond my control. My husband (also a Blue) was an extremely loyal and devoted son who never wanted to disappoint his parents, especially his mom. She’d shower him with Blue expectations and his Blue perfectionism would spur him to action. Often, she’d use Blue guilt, and he’d feel every ounce of it. He was known as “The Golden Child,” because he was such a compliant kid. So imagine her surprise and sense of betrayal when he grew up and got married and his sense of devotion naturally shifted to his wife. She’s expressed her hurt to me, saying that he’s changed, and it’s all because of me. I can’t take all the credit for his change, but I can’t deny my influence, either. When I start feeling down about our relationship, I have to remind myself that her reaction to me stems from feelings of loss and rejection. Sometimes just recognizing this can help me feel more compassionate towards her, rather than resentful.

Showing respect: Though I don’t always agree with her, I have found it’s important to convey my thoughts and feelings in a very respectful manner, recognizing her position in my life. Blues need to feel understood, and I know it goes a long way to listen to what she has to say and accept her point of view. My nature won’t allow me to be walked over — Red is my secondary color — but I’ve learned to react with deference to opposing opinions.

Thank you very much: Recognition and appreciation goes a long way with her. I’ve learned that a simple thank you doesn’t go as far as a thank you note, a shout out on social media or sky writing. Okay, I haven’t tried the sky writing yet, but I’m not above a grand gesture.

After you: When it comes to interactions, I allow her to lead. I take cues from her when it comes to conversation and sense of humor. I always want to appear well-mannered and appropriate (sometimes my poor Yellow self can’t take it, and I make mistakes). I know I’ve gone too far when I see murder behind her eyes.

While I know our relationship is far from perfect, and I don’t expect the future to hold a lot of warm, fuzzy interactions, I have seen improvements over the years. She gives me a wider berth to be who I am, and appreciating and accepting both her strengths and limitations has allowed me to feel comfortable, if not confident in our relationship.

I’m grateful the Color Code has helped me navigate through this and many other relationships. I’m also grateful for the relationships I enjoy with people from all the colors on the spectrum who teach me how to lean into my strengths and are patient with me in my many limitations. Being aware of my own color allows me to utilize my strengths, work out my limitations and accept myself and others for who we are. How has the Color Code helped you in difficult relationships? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Melissa Turney graduated from the University of Nevada Las Vegas with a bachelor’s degree in education. She is the mother of four amazing children. Melissa is a core Yellow with Red secondary.