Weekly Tools and Tips to Improve Any Relationship
I’m a big Harry Potter fan. I own the audiobooks, two sets of the series printed in Britain, one set printed in America, a Russian version and a Chinese version. What can I say, I am a nerd. I’ve even found myself in conversations relating Harry Potter to the Color Code. My brother once asked me to quick code each of the four Hogwarts houses into the four personality types. Of course, I sorted the resourceful, power-hungry Reds into Slytherin, the adventurous, fun-loving Yellows into Gryffindor, the peacemaking, easygoing Whites into Hufflepuff and the responsible, perfectionistic Blues into Ravenclaw.
I’m currently listening to the series for the umpteenth time with a couple of friends for a Harry Potter Book Club. When I read the end of the Chamber of Secrets, the second book in the series, I tend to get emotional when Albus Dumbledore speaks one of the most profound lines of the entire saga. More on that in a minute.
To give a little background, Harry is wrestling with the idea that maybe the sorting hat put him in the wrong house. He remembers specifically asking the sorting hat not to put him into Slytherin, because he’d heard every witch and wizard who had turned bad came from that house. (Side note: The evil side of Slytherin is not meant to be compared to the Red personality.) The sorting hat tells him he’d do well in Slytherin, but takes his desire into account and ultimately sorts him into Gryffindor. Fast forward to the second book, and Harry learns he has more in common with the villainous Lord Voldemort (AKA Tom Riddle) than he ever realized. He wonders if he should have been a Slytherin after all.
When Dumbledore finally hears of Harry’s inner turmoil, the following conversation ensues: “[The Sorting Hat] only put me in Gryffindor,” said Harry in a defeated voice, because I asked not to go in Slytherin.” “Exactly,” said Dumbledore, beaming once more. “Which makes you very different from Tom Riddle. It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
So what does all of this have to do with the Color Code? Let me tell you. A few people I’ve met do not like the Color Code, or personality tests in general, because they feel like it puts them in a box. They don’t want their behavior chalked up to the fact that they “are just that way,” because they believe people are in charge of their actions. And of course, they are right about that part.
The Color Code is awesome in that it teaches us what our main motive in life is and outlines the strengths and limitations that come naturally to us. But that doesn’t mean we have to choose a life that leans into our limitations just because they come naturally. As Dumbledore said, “It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
For example, as a White/Blue personality, I have historically struggled with timidity, conflict avoidance, overworry, oversensitivity, and perfectionism. These natural limitations have all contributed to my years-long struggle with anxiety and depression.
After becoming a mom, I knew I had to take charge of my life and work toward overcoming my crippling limitations. This was anything but easy and included taking medication and going to therapy regularly for 2 years. But after a lot of dedication, endurance, hard work and tears, I now feel like the choices I have made have helped me become a far better person than any of my abilities.
Now, when I feel myself wanting to get offended by a well-meaning but sarcastic Yellow or I spend too much time worrying about what I cannot control in the future, I am able to utilize the skills I’ve gained to set aside those limitations and live in my strengths. While it has been challenging to get to this place in my life, it’s been oh so rewarding.
So, next time you are tempted to blame bad behavior on what comes naturally to you or you curse the personality color you were born with, remember, “It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
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Megan Christensen is a White personality who has loved writing for as long as she can remember. Megan graduated from BYU-Idaho in 2014 with a degree in communication. A lifelong fan of the Color Code, she’s thrilled to be the content editor of the blog and hopes to help as many people as possible become more self-aware. When she’s not writing, Megan can be found reading, doing yoga, and spending as much time as she can outdoors.
Many of us would be surprised to see how others view us. We have taken the Color Code assessment, and we now know our strengths and limitations, right? It turns out that there is a lot more to it. Color Code measures personality, which is innate. But throughout our lives, we develop strengths and limitations based on our experiences—Character. These behaviors can be both good and bad.
CHARACTER CODE
Character Code, Color Code’s new online assessment, transitions from personality to character development by inviting others to assess us anonymously.
Because I was the project manager for Character Code, it was important for me to test the results. I am sharing those results with you—both the good and the bad.
MY RESULTSAfter years of working at Color Code, I’d like to think that I am pretty self-aware. I know my strengths, and I’m painfully aware of my limitations. Still, you will see below, the behaviors I see in myself and those my responders see are quite different.
Strengths
When I completed the Strengths self-evaluation, there were no surprises. My top 3 answers are similar to the results I got when I took the Color Code assessment:
Then I read the group results:
My first thought was, “Do they even know me?” Then I had to step back and admit that this is HOW they know me.
The top of the list—detail conscious—is a Blue strength I’ve often wished I possessed. As with most Reds, I am a big-picture type of person and rely on others for the details—to fix the many mistakes I make in my haste to get things done. It surprises and flatters me to think that others see this strength in me. It also heartens me to see the strengths of other colors that I so admire.
Limitations
When it came to limitations, I got emails from my respondents saying, “I don’t want to do this.” It is never fun to have people point out the limitations they see in us, but it’s equally difficult for the respondent. I assured them that the assessment was completely anonymous, and their answers were vital to my personal growth.
As with the strengths, my self-assessment results weren’t a surprise.
The group results surprised me:
Again, my responders see very different behaviors than I do. While it heartened me to see the strengths of other DCMs (Driving Core Motives), I am disheartened to see the limitations from different colors—not to mention my own Red DCM.
It is human nature to be defensive—to go to that person and ask, “Why?” but, even as the project manager, my responders are entirely anonymous. I must take their answers as they are presented and acknowledge that anonymity allowed them to answer truthfully.
Often, without our knowledge, our behaviors cause harm simply because we are unaware of the impact they have on others. We now have the opportunity to find out and make essential changes.
Let’s go over the top 3.
Always right. I am not always right. In fact, I’m not right a lot of the time. I am not in denial nor being defensive. Yet, because of my blunt Red nature of communicating, I acknowledge that I create the perception that I am ‘always right.’
Example
Greg was working on a project that I found intriguing.
Looking over his shoulder, I asked, “Why are you doing it that way?”
Immediately his defenses came up, and he asked, “What way do YOU want me to do it?”
By wording it the way I did, it sounded like a challenge—as if I knew the right way—when, in fact, I didn’t even have a ‘way.’ I was just curious.
I should have said, “That is so interesting. Will you show me what you are doing?”
By changing the way I asked the question, I would have turned a negative into a positive. Greg would have felt pride in his work rather than the anger my question generated, and I would have had my curiosity satisfied.
Perfectionist. This one gave the Color Code editors a laugh. If they had filled out the assessment for me, it would not be on the list. In my haste to get things done and move on, I miss a lot of simple errors. In fact, my mother used to have a saying that has become my mantra: “It’s nothing you’d notice from a galloping horse.”
I am very particular about some things, but I think that would fall into the ‘obsessive’ category rather than perfectionism.
Still, I am viewed that way to the extent that it is number two on my list. Based on the ‘Unrealistic Expectations’ answer, I have concluded that others feel I expect perfectionism. Once again, it has everything to do with communication and perception.
Note: Perfectionism is a limitation because it can be mentally debilitating, and I am not making light of it. See https://blog.colorcode.com/?s=perfectionism
Intimidating. The definition of intimidating is: Having a frightening, overawing, or threatening effect. While I would hope that this respondent is in awe of me, I have to assume that they have been frightened or felt threatened by me because it’s in the Limitations category. This response has affected me more than the others. Intimidation causes problems in relationships both at home and in the workplace. Simply put, intimidation is bullying—and I do not want to be a bully.
As for the rest of the responses, as hard as it is to see them, I know they are honest responses, and I have to own them.
Moving forward, I have a checklist of areas I need to work on—those I know and those presented to me. By being conscious of how others view me, I can make positive changes to enhance my personal and professional relationships.
My first action item is to work on my communication skills. Clearly, my respondents see me in a vastly different way than I feel. I don’t want to always be right. I want to learn from those around me. I don’t want others to feel I expect them to be perfect because I’m not perfect. I especially never want to intimidate and be thought of as a bully.
By changing the way I communicate with others based on their needs and wants rather than my own, I am convinced that I can fix these perceptions.
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Teresa Glenn has been working with the Color Code since 2006, where her main focus is product development. She has been in the publishing and product development field for over 20 years. Teresa is a core Red with a strong Yellow secondary.
To learn more about Character Code and the accompanying workshop Decoding the Colors of Leadership, talk to your employer or contact a trainer near you.
Find a trainer:
https://www.colorcode.com/cc_trainers/
As a Blue who loves to talk about feelings, it wouldn’t surprise any Color Code aficionado to learn that I am an advocate for going to therapy. I believe everyone can benefit in some way from attending therapy, no matter their personality type, mental well-being, and life circumstance. A few months ago, I decided to “graduate” from seeing my therapist of two years. She and I bonded during our first session over both being Color Code fans, and her Red logic gave me great insight into my Blue emotions.
One of the things I worked hard to overcome during my time in therapy was my crippling perfectionism. Ever since I was a little girl, I have obsessed over cultivating the perfect life. My Red/Yellow best friend used to tease me at recess in second grade by telling me my hair was messed up so I would take it out of its clip and attempt to redo it. My little hands could never replicate the hairdo my mom had styled for me that morning, so I would proceed to agonize over my fellow classmates seeing my normally perfect hair with a crease in it. Another area I had to be perfect in was being perfectly on time for things. My other best friend’s mom (a kind White) used to have to assure me that the clock in her car was running fast when she would drive us to school and I was fretting over being late. I still remember the awe I felt when I was rewarded for having perfect attendance in First Grade. I was the kid who didn’t enjoy missing a day of school. Imagine getting behind on all that homework!
My perfectionism was somewhat manageable as a child, especially since I had parents who could “fix” everything for me at the end of the day. But it became too much to live with when I became an adult, and it interfered with every area of my life from my career to motherhood. After having my second baby in 2020 in the midst of a global pandemic, I chose to focus way more on perfectly balancing my life with two children instead of giving myself the grace every new mom deserves. Days after giving birth, I was back to deep cleaning my whole house. I couldn’t wait to get back into my intensive daily workout routine, and I desperately wanted to have a schedule. However, it turns out that sleepless nights, a two-year-old, a newborn, and the perfect schedule don’t really mesh well.
Looking around my home and seeing binkies and burp cloths lying on every surface was a constant reminder of how disorganized I felt. Whenever my baby wouldn’t nap or I didn’t have time to work out, I panicked. I constantly felt like I was struggling to come up for air. Enter my therapist, Rosey. I explained how debilitating my anxiety over my perfectionism was, and she helped me see that as a Blue, my perfectionism was largely rooted in having control. Blues need security, and in my case, I need to have control over my own life to feel secure. Rosey pointed out that it was possible for me to have control while also letting go of my perfectionism. It was as simple as this: Whenever my life felt out of control, I would stop and recognize that even though things couldn’t go perfectly in that moment, I could still have control over the choice I would make in that situation. For example, if I left my house a mess because I was taking my kids to meet their cousins at the waterpark, I could stop and recognize that my choice in that moment was to prioritize fun. I would get to the cleaning later. On another day, I might have chosen to let my toddler watch a little too much TV because it was important for me to have some extra time to clean the house and feel organized. I needed to recognize that in my busy stage of life, it really wasn’t possible to “do it all,” but I still had the choice of what was most important for me to do in that moment. And while sometimes that was cleaning the house and getting a workout in, sometimes it was asking my mom to watch my kids so I could take a much-needed nap. Sometimes it was eating dessert before lunch with my little boy so he could have a fun memory with his mommy. And sometimes it was simply choosing to be really present with my kids and ignoring my to-do list since I knew I had made the choice to be a mom, and I wanted to be a good one.
Now, months later, I feel immense happiness thinking about all the ways I’ve overcome my perfectionism. Do I still love a clean house and a cute hairdo? Of course! But I also sigh with relief when I remember I don’t worry as much as I used to about perfectly pleasing others or being right on time to every function. I was always meant to be imperfect, and it feels really good to perfectly fit that imperfect role.
If you are a Blue personality who resonates with these woes of perfectionism, I advise you to try focusing on the control and the choices you do have amidst the chaos of life and comment below to let us know how it helps you!
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Megan Christensen is a Blue who has been writing her feelings for as long as she can remember. Megan graduated from BYU-Idaho in 2014 with a degree in communication. A lifelong fan of the Color Code, she’s thrilled to be the content editor of the blog and hopes to help as many people as possible become more self-aware. When she’s not writing, Megan can be found reading, doing yoga, and spending as much time as she can outdoors.
Yellows and Blues are so opposite, it’s kind of comical. Yellows are carefree while Blues are professional worriers. Yellows are uncommitted and Blues are very committed. Yellows are self-centered and Blues are compassionate. These two colors are quite the opposite pair!
For you Yellows out there who are married to or good friends with a Blue, it’s probably hard for you to understand them sometimes. If you don’t quite always know how to handle them, here are a few things you can do to treat your Blue loved ones right and help them stay sane.
Worrying is tough for poor Blues, even though they’re so good at it. Don’t ignore their worries and don’t act like they don’t matter, either. Instead, help them see their worries in perspective by listening to why the Blue is worried and pointing out why they don’t have a reason to be. For example, if a Blue is worried they aren’t a good enough parent, ask them why they think that. If their answer has more to do with something they’re doing or not doing and not anything to do with their child’s behavior, help them see that. Point out evidence as to why they’re doing a great job and how much their kid loves them.
Blues are perfectionists, which can be a source of stress for them. As they go about their lives trying to be perfect in their behavior, relationships, work, various projects and to-dos, their mental health may suffer. Try to help break them of this perfectionism by showing them how they don’t have to be perfect and it can be fun. For example, if you’re married to a Blue, chances are they really like a clean house. But spending the weekend cleaning isn’t fun and may take way too much of their time as they try to perfectly polish the baseboards. To help them ease out of some of their perfectionism, take a weekend and camp out in the living room. Build a fort, buy some snacks, sleep on the couch cushions on the floor. Even though the mess may make them a little crazy, show them it’s OK to have fun and disregard responsibility for a weekend and that the mess can still get cleaned up later and it’ll all be OK.
Blues are very emotional and with their natural limitations of being overly sensitive and moody, life’s not always a happy dance for them. But Yellows’ natural gifts of being enthusiastic and optimistic are such a breathe of fresh air to be around. Blues need you and your happy nature to help them see the bright side of life. Watch Jimmy Fallon with them, take them out to an amusement park or just do something simple and fun together like go on a picnic and help them get out of their head. It’ll be good for them!
Yellows, you need Blues and Blues need you. Your strengths and gifts are such a blessing to them, please don’t underestimate that. Blues, what do you appreciate about the Yellow personality? Tell us in our comments below this post!
—The Color Code Team
Life can be hard when you’re a Blue. You’re overly sensitive, you invest your whole heart into relationships, and people are inevitably disappointing at times. You’re worry-prone and guilt comes very easy to you. Your mind is probably going a million miles a minute, and you’re not necessarily thinking about rainbows and butterflies. It’s no wonder Blues are so hard on themselves!
Blues, you need a break. We are here to offer some advice to help you go a little easier on yourselves until your overall relationship with yourself is much more positive. Keep reading to learn what you can do to ease your burden, and hopefully life will improve for you!
As a Blue, you probably have a network of close friends, but we all know friends listen differently. Pick just one friend you can really trust and set aside time regularly to confide in him and listen in return. Hopefully by talking to him, you can take what’s in your head and get it out so it can help you feel heard and understood. After all, as a Blue, you NEED to be understood! Obviously you don’t want to be the friend who complains all the time or who drives your friend away, but if you find someone who will happily take some time a couple times a month to sit and talk with you, take advantage of that opportunity!
Do you find yourself running over the same situations in your head all the time and wondering if you should have done or said something different? Stop. Unless you highly offended someone or need to correct a big error, don’t allow yourself to continue to sweat the small stuff. You’ve got enough to worry about and get done in life without allowing your head to explode over whether or not you offended your neighbor by not eating her dessert when you had dinner together. It may not come naturally to let this kind of thing go, but you need to put your mental health as a priority, and this will surely help!
Take your mind off your worries, your guilt and your perfectionism and just do something fun that makes you happy. Don’t worry too much about budget or time or practicality, just do something because it sounds wonderful. Go get tacos in the middle of the week, go to a water park, enjoy a carnival, plan a vacation–just do something a Yellow would do! Let your mind relax.
Blues, don’t just read this list and move on, use it! You deserve a break. Print this list off and tape it to your mirror so it can serve as a good reminder. If you’ve implemented any other tips that have helped you go easier on yourself, share them with the other readers in the comments!
—The Color Code Team
As a true Yellow, I’ve enjoyed a great many relationships throughout my life. Connections are easy. Long-term commitment is harder. Perhaps that is why I’ve had so little conflict in my interactions with others. I find it easy to get along with most people and easy to walk away from those I don’t. It takes a lot to offend me, and when I get offended, I forgive without a thought. So imagine my surprise when I found myself with a full-fledged enemy — my mother-in-law.
I’m almost embarrassed to admit that my first and only adversary was a figure so cliché. We find ourselves in frequent disagreement. Feelings are often hurt and pride tends to get the better of us. In-law relationships can be brutal, awkward and oppositional. This is no mystery. What is intriguing is that even though these relationships can be so tricky, there isn’t a lot of protocol on how to navigate these choppy waters.
Enter the Color Code.
I grew up with the Color Code as an integral part of my family culture, but unfortunately only payed it the minimal amount of required attention (yes, hello, I’m a Yellow). When I was a young teen, my grandfather administered the test during a family gathering after he’d discovered the many merits of understanding and maneuvering interpersonal relationships. It was fun and enlightening. We laughed at how spot-on the colors were, and going forward we’d attribute actions to their primary and secondary colors. Someone would get a promotion at work, and my grandpa would proclaim, “That’s because he has a lot of Red in him,” or someone would get their feelings hurt, and my aunt would shake her head and say, “It’s tough being so Blue.”
After my husband and I were married, we spent a long road trip becoming reacquainted with the Color Code, and we found it simultaneously enlightening and helpful for our relationship. After talking about how interesting it was, we decided it would be fun to administer the test at our next family gathering.
Imagine my surprise when the end result was rife with tension and suspicion. Not from my Yellow brother-in-law, who proudly high-fived me because we’re both self-centered, obnoxious, overly dramatic and totally awesome. Not from my White father-in-law, who nodded and feigned interest in what was happening around him. But from my Blue mother-in-law, who was absolutely convinced we were using the test as some sort of setup that would expose all her weaknesses and insecurities. Oh boy. To this day, years later, the Color Code is a subject I dare not broach with her. To be honest, I was surprised she was a Blue. My wonderful mother is a Blue. My dear husband is a Blue. And my sweet daughter is a Blue. The most rewarding and enriching relationships I have come from compassionate, sincere, loyal and generous Blues. I suppose I was so shocked because I’d never been on the receiving end of the Blue wrath.
Even though the activity wasn’t the family fun I assumed it would be, I have been able to use it to my advantage to help increase my understanding of her and to do my part in keeping the peace in a relationship filled with tension.
It’s not me, it’s you (and sometimes a little bit me): I don’t blame my mother-in-law for our relationship, but I have come to understand that much of it is beyond my control. My husband (also a Blue) was an extremely loyal and devoted son who never wanted to disappoint his parents, especially his mom. She’d shower him with Blue expectations and his Blue perfectionism would spur him to action. Often, she’d use Blue guilt, and he’d feel every ounce of it. He was known as “The Golden Child,” because he was such a compliant kid. So imagine her surprise and sense of betrayal when he grew up and got married and his sense of devotion naturally shifted to his wife. She’s expressed her hurt to me, saying that he’s changed, and it’s all because of me. I can’t take all the credit for his change, but I can’t deny my influence, either. When I start feeling down about our relationship, I have to remind myself that her reaction to me stems from feelings of loss and rejection. Sometimes just recognizing this can help me feel more compassionate towards her, rather than resentful.
Showing respect: Though I don’t always agree with her, I have found it’s important to convey my thoughts and feelings in a very respectful manner, recognizing her position in my life. Blues need to feel understood, and I know it goes a long way to listen to what she has to say and accept her point of view. My nature won’t allow me to be walked over — Red is my secondary color — but I’ve learned to react with deference to opposing opinions.
Thank you very much: Recognition and appreciation goes a long way with her. I’ve learned that a simple thank you doesn’t go as far as a thank you note, a shout out on social media or sky writing. Okay, I haven’t tried the sky writing yet, but I’m not above a grand gesture.
After you: When it comes to interactions, I allow her to lead. I take cues from her when it comes to conversation and sense of humor. I always want to appear well-mannered and appropriate (sometimes my poor Yellow self can’t take it, and I make mistakes). I know I’ve gone too far when I see murder behind her eyes.
While I know our relationship is far from perfect, and I don’t expect the future to hold a lot of warm, fuzzy interactions, I have seen improvements over the years. She gives me a wider berth to be who I am, and appreciating and accepting both her strengths and limitations has allowed me to feel comfortable, if not confident in our relationship.
I’m grateful the Color Code has helped me navigate through this and many other relationships. I’m also grateful for the relationships I enjoy with people from all the colors on the spectrum who teach me how to lean into my strengths and are patient with me in my many limitations. Being aware of my own color allows me to utilize my strengths, work out my limitations and accept myself and others for who we are. How has the Color Code helped you in difficult relationships? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Melissa Turney graduated from the University of Nevada Las Vegas with a bachelor’s degree in education. She is the mother of four amazing children. Melissa is a core Yellow with Red secondary.
Today my newest grandchild was born. As I hold her, I can’t help but wonder who she will be. Will she grow up to be a leader? An entertainer? A caregiver? Or will she quietly go about her business?
Color Code teaches us that we are born with our personalities. They are innate. Looking at this small, perfect form, it seems that a personality is too unbelievably huge to be contained in her little body. After all, our personalities are huge—they help determine the direction of our lives.
That’s not to say our destiny is controlled by our color. How we use the strengths and limitations of our driving core motive is up to us.
Take Mother Teresa. A Blue right? Wrong. Mother Teresa was a Red. She used her Red strengths as a natural leader to accomplish the impossible.
Walt Disney must be a Yellow—he created the happiest place on earth—but no. His Blue strengths of creativity and perfectionism kept him up at night so he could create the perfect place for you Yellows.
I think we can all guess the color of Albert Einstien. His genius is legendary, but he avoided the limelight and preferred quietly doing his theorizing in private.
If you think growing up Yellow is just one party after another, consider that many of our most popular Yellow presidents—John F. Kennedy, Ronald Regan, Bill Clinton—Yellows, all, and all achieved the highest office in the United States.
No matter her driving core motive, this little one has the potential to do whatever she wants.
So, for now, I see physical characteristics of her parents, like her Blue mother’s mouth and her White father’s eyes, but it will be a while before I will identify if she takes after either in the driving core motive department. CC
Teresa Glenn has been working with the Color Code since 2006, where her main focus is product development. She has been in the publishing and product development field for over 20 years. Teresa is a core Red with a strong Yellow secondary.
Frank Sinatra crooned, “Love and marriage. They go together like a horse and carriage.” Statistically, that means that 50 percent of horses are sans carriage. What is it that the other 50 percent have that keeps them hitched? Experts agree that there are many tips to help your marriage.
While no expert, I have been married to the same man for over forty years. Along the way, I’ve picked up a few sage truths:
Treat Your Spouse with RESPECT
A friend said, “I wish my husband would treat me as well as yours treats you. He worships the ground you walk on.” This after slamming the phone down, and yelling at her husband to come and fix the #&!%@*% car. I thought to myself, “If I treated my husband that way, he wouldn’t worship the ground I walk on!”
Reds: Do not criticize or contradict your spouse in public. You’ll be tempted to highlight your superior intelligence, but do resist.
Blues: You have a tendency to be judgmental. Nobody likes to hear that they do things wrong over and over again. Lower your Blue standards.
Whites: Do not show how bored you are if your spouse is ranting about something important to them, no matter how trivial you may find it.
Yellows: You are fun to be around most of the time. Unless your spouse is also a Yellow, they will need occasional breaks from your exuberance.
Don’t Try to Change Your Spouse
I once believed that in order to have a perfect marriage, my husband and I needed to have a lot in common. I tried to like sports, particularly golf, and he pretended to appreciate all the art at the festivals I dragged him to. We both soon realized that it was more fun to be with someone who really shared the same passion for our interests. He found a few golf buddies, and I found friends who actually like art. We are both content and do not begrudge each other’s time pursuing our interests.
I also decided not to care about how fast he eats, what he’s wearing when we go out, or the fact that purchasing any kind of a gift for me gives him heart palpitations. What he does do is clean off the table when he’s finished eating, compliments me on how I look when we go out, and he brings me coffee in the morning plus treats when he goes to the store…much better.
Reds: Intimidation it will only create friction and resentment. You are not always right.
Blues: Don’t let your perfectionism affect your relationship. Your spouse may have lower (and more realistic) expectations.
Whites: You won’t be the one trying to change your spouse. Don’t procrastinate. Express your feelings.
Yellows: The world doesn’t really revolve around you. Accept that your spouse may not want to do fun things all the time.
Don’t Threaten the D Word
Never threaten divorce, unless you truly want a divorce.
Oftentimes, in the heat of battle, we say hurtful things that cannot be undone. The D word is one of them. The first time you say it has the results you want—to lash out and hurt. But pretty soon it might just lose its effectiveness.
A woman I both love and respect and who is one of the most intelligent women I have had the pleasure to know, was married to a great guy who worked hard and was content in his life. Sadly, she frequently found fault, picked fights, threatened divorce, and threw all his clothes on the lawn for all the neighbors to see. He begged her not to divorce him and did whatever it took to mollify her. After many years of putting up with her behavior, one night, he picked his clothes up off the lawn, left, and never came back. She was shocked and devastated. She didn’t understand.
Reds: Don’t let your volatility get out of control, making you say things in anger that can’t be undone.
Blues: You are overly sensitive and slow to forgive. Be careful what you say and do when in the heat of an argument.
Whites: You will avoid confrontation at all costs, and it could be your undoing. Never leave an argument. The first time you leave won’t be your last.
Yellows: You can be impulsive. Try very hard to control the impulse to say hurtful things during an argument.
Manage Your Expectations
According to Steve Brody, author of “Renew Your Marriage at Midlife,” when he asked a group of people what they expected from marriage, women invariably said they want to be loved, cherished, listened to, cared for, and courted. Men said, “Bring food and show up naked.”
Are these realistic expectations? Probably not. Still, it illustrates that not only do we all have unique driving core motives, we also have a gender “filter” that has been handed down since hunt/nest cavemen times.
Men: Learn to not discount your spouse’s need for an occasional touch, a genuine thanks, or a much needed compliment. These small gestures will go along way in accomplishing your expectations of food and…
Women: Don’t expect your husband to feel emotion as deeply as you do. Even Blue and Yellow men have the “man” filter that tells them they need to be stoic.
Marriage is a process…a road that your hitched carriage will meander down until you find your way. You may take detours and even occasionally lose your way, but a strong marriage will navigate the trip well, and we hope that the knowledge Color Code offers will help you enjoy the ride that much more. CC
Teresa Glenn has been working with the Color Code since 2006, where her main focus is product development. She has been in the publishing and product development field for over 20 years. Teresa is a core Red with a strong Yellow secondary.
My fiancé and I are both Red. Her Blue 13 year old son Gabe came home from school yesterday. “I feel depressed.”, he said.
“Ha!”, I quipped, “What do you have to feel depressed over? You don’t even have a life yet!”
“Seriously?!”, Mom chimed in, “Go do your homework and chores! You don’t have time to stand around being depressed!”
Typical Red responses, right? It’s hard for us to even imagine what being depressed would feel like. It just sounds like annoying whining to us. Later that night, Gabe came in to inform us that he would like to call a family meeting. He has some very serious issues to discuss about his sister and the chores around here that need to be worked out. “Oh brother,” I thought while sighing and looking over at my fiancé. “Here we go.” She was rolling her eyes and thinking the same thing I was. We both knew what was coming. Another Blue tantrum/lecture filled with guilt trips about how unfair the chores are dealt out and the injustice of it all. And about what? Who feeds the cats?! I just want to laugh and say, “Dude, what does it take to feed the cats,about 1 minute? You want to have an hour long family meeting over that? Grow up!” But, I manage to be nice, keep it to myself and try to act like I’m interested and concerned.
Later that night, as we’re getting ready for bed, I remembered the Color Code. Maybe that can help. So, we pulled out the Color Code and skimmed through the chapter on Reds and Blues as a guide.
One thing that stood out to us both was the Blue need for appreciation. It used to be that Gabe was the “good” child. Always did everything right. Did well in school. Always got recognition and praise. All that changed in the last few months. Gabe has been struggling with the transition into middle school. The home work load is tougher. The social distractions and demands are trickier. The result? His younger sister has been stealing the lime light. She has been getting all the attention and praise of doing so well in school now. Is that what all this comes down to? Gabe is not getting enough of the appreciation he craves anymore?
Can it be so simple? Again, it’s hard for us Red parents to imagine. We don’t need appreciation. We do things for the challenge. To win or just to get things done. We don’t expect any recognition over it. I actually feel slightly awkward when I am recognized with appreciation. I either think, “So what? It’s just my job.” Or “Alright buddy, what are you trying to get from me now?” It is hard for me to imagine someone that actually wants that. With Gabe, I want to say, “So what? Get over it. Suck it up. With all this time you have spent crying about how much homework you have, you could have finished half of it by now!”
An interesting side note here: Why is he falling behind in his school work? Because of Blue perfectionism. He actually does amazing work. He writes better stories as a 6th grader than most professional adult writers.
So, what did we do? We began to publicly lavish him with praise and appreciation for all his amazing school work. We also pointed out and recognized how well he was keeping up with his chores around the house. I pointed out all the reasons why his story was actually more than good enough to be published. I also gently suggested to him that it might be a little overkill for his class assignment to write a 2 page short story. His was 15 pages long with illustrations! “Not every assignment has to win the Pulitzer Prize in literature.”, I reminded him, “Just enough to get an A on the assignment is just fine.”
Did it work? Like a charm. The ‘depression’ disappeared. He is happier. Doing well in school again. The only trouble now is with his sister. She is a Blue also. So now she is feeling insecure, depressed and worried about what is wrong with her! God help us.
When he is not playing poker or living in his 20’ Sioux tipi in the Rockies, Marshall Barrington lives in a small quiet Swedish town in central Kansas with his family. He has degrees in Business Administration, Marketing and Psychology. He trains, hires and manages new insurance adjusters to process claims at catastrophe sites. He is also a Certified Color Code trainer. His highly acclaimed classes apply Color Code to specific problems: Management, Sales, Human Resources, Dating, Marriage, Parenting and a new workshop for Fiction Writers -Using Color Code to create realistic Characters, conflict & dialogue.
One textbook definition of harmony is a situation in which there is agreement…a worthy goal for any effective work environment. However, when I hear the word harmony, I think of my husband, the choral conductor. He has developed his natural talent and acquired remarkable skills in creating harmony out of disparate student voices from years of education and experience. The process is not so dissimilar in the workplace. Using the Color Code, leaders can become talented conductors, of a sort. Understanding how various core colors interact with each other can build on your natural talents and help you acquire greater skills to minimize conflict and bring more harmony to your organizations.
Similar to the Color Code, choral music has essentially four voices: soprano, alto, tenor and bass. The process of bringing those voices into accord begins first within each section. For example, the conductor must discover the differing range and quality of each voice in the soprano section. With that information, he or she is better able to position each member of a section in the most advantageous configuration to achieve the highest quality of sound. So too must managers understand how each motive type interacts with others who share their core color. Each color interacting with another of their same motive type has areas of natural synergy and areas of natural conflict.
Reds working together share vision, leadership, determination and high levels of motivation. On the flip side, they can encounter power struggles if each must always be right. The combination of Blues on a team brings unparalleled quality, creativity and commitment. However, they can become self-critical and overly preoccupied with details. Two or more Whites interacting on a project lend objectivity, balance and problem solving skills. On the other hand, productivity can suffer if both fall into the trap of silent stubbornness. Each can quietly refuse to budge on an issue and neither one will be likely to raise the issue to find resolution. Yellows working with other Yellows bring boundless enthusiasm, optimism and social skills. They can also be unfocused and irresponsible, neither willing to step up and lead. This understanding empowers managers to anticipate both the strengths and limitations brought to bear when you have two or more of the same core motive type on a team. And, like the conductor, you are better able to position members of a team to their best advantage to maximize the desired result.
Women’s voices, alto and soprano, combined and men’s voices, tenor and bass, combined represent complementary similarities. They each enjoy an ease of blend and enhanced quality that provides a richness of sound surpassing that of individual parts singing alone. Likewise, certain combinations of colors are naturally drawn together for their shared strengths to produce a better outcome than either could achieve individually. Reds and Yellows share strong verbal skills, are excited about change and enjoy freedom from emotional clutter. Blues and Whites are able to set ego aside, share an interest in team success and are in tune with others. Understanding how these complementary similarities function together lends insights into how to make the most of team members’ natural skills.
Sopranos singing with basses and altos singing with tenors yields the kind of results seen with complementary opposites. The higher range of a soprano blending with the opposing deep, resonant sound of a bass provide a quality of sound that is at once intriguing and beautiful. You will, no doubt, note similar complementary opposites among your co-workers. Reds like to lead and Whites are happy to follow. Whites’ sense of calm and balance tends to temper the fiery disposition of the Red. The steadiness of Blues helps ground the flightiness of Yellows. The spontaneous fun of Yellows helps to pull Blues out of their intense focus on duty and perfection. Complementary opposites are obviously great for teams as these combinations compensate for each other’s limitations and enhance each other’s natural strengths.
Every singing group has their soloists and others who we will call “blenders.” Soloists have the talent and skill to stand alone and sing. They can be the rainmakers in an organization, the ones who get noticed. Others sometimes resent their prima dona attitude and apparent egotism. “Blenders” are those who are not particularly interested in or proficient at singing alone but are capable of skillfully singing multiple parts. They are the ones, who when added to any musical line, make everyone else singing that line sound immeasurably, almost inexplicably, better. It is not difficult to draw a work/life analogy here. Reds and Yellows are most often the soloists. They like to look good in their respective ways and are often self-centered. Blues and Whites tend to be the “blenders” or worker bees. Whatever the project or assignment, they are very capable at multiple assignments and able to set ego aside for the good of the team. With their assistance, the outcome is always improved. Who are your soloists and “blenders?”
Western music is written in such a way to provide both consonant and dissonant harmony. Consonant harmony is the kind that sounds pleasing to the ear. Dissonant harmonies are those that sound almost as if a mistake has been made. Some color combinations also work together in a way that can seem almost as if a mistake has been made. The example most often cited is Reds and Blues. While the potential for a powerfully positive combination exists, this duo can readily be resoundingly dissonant. From their foundation they conflict in logic versus emotion. Reds are all about high productivity. Blues tend toward strong perfectionism. They are polar opposites regarding sensitivity. Reds lacking and Blues possessing an overabundance. The list goes on. Learning how to recognize the areas of natural synergy between this sometimes dissonant color combination is critical to success when confronted with these two power house colors. Reds and Blues are both dependable and oriented toward high achievement. They both have great loyalty: Reds to tasks and Blues to relationships. Reds provide vision and Blue can be counted on for quality. A manager must understand these shared strengths to then help the Red and Blue co-worker recognize and respect the positive traits and not focus unduly on the areas of potential conflict.
What conductors understand and managers must learn is that creating harmony in the workplace does not mean the absence of conflict or dissonance. Singers, irrespective of their part, can be dissonant with other parts or even within their own section. Likewise, all colors have the potential for discord with other colors or even someone who shares their core color. An awareness of the potential for consonant or dissonant harmonies within your organization can help to minimize unproductive differences. That same awareness can also help to explain how some disagreements can provide a dynamic source of strength as each color works through the dissonance. As with Western music, the resolution of the dissonance is where the most beautiful music is found. The same can be true in your organization.
Similar to the Color Code, choral music has essentially four voices: soprano, alto, tenor and bass. The process of bringing those voices into accord begins first within each section. For example, the conductor must discover the differing range and quality of each voice in the soprano section. With that information, he or she is better able to position each member of a section in the most advantageous configuration to achieve the highest quality of sound. So too must managers understand how each motive type interacts with others who share their core color. Each color interacting with another of their same motive type has areas of natural synergy and areas of natural conflict.
Reds working together share vision, leadership, determination and high levels of motivation. On the flip side, they can encounter power struggles if each must always be right. The combination of Blues on a team brings unparalleled quality, creativity and commitment. However, they can become self-critical and overly preoccupied with details. Two or more Whites interacting on a project lend objectivity, balance and problem solving skills. On the other hand, productivity can suffer if both fall into the trap of silent stubbornness. Each can quietly refuse to budge on an issue and neither one will be likely to raise the issue to find resolution. Yellows working with other Yellows bring boundless enthusiasm, optimism and social skills. They can also be unfocused and irresponsible, neither willing to step up and lead. This understanding empowers managers to anticipate both the strengths and limitations brought to bear when you have two or more of the same core motive type on a team. And, like the conductor, you are better able to position members of a team to their best advantage to maximize the desired result.
Women’s voices, alto and soprano, combined and men’s voices, tenor and bass, combined represent complementary similarities. They each enjoy an ease of blend and enhanced quality that provides a richness of sound surpassing that of individual parts singing alone. Likewise, certain combinations of colors are naturally drawn together for their shared strengths to produce a better outcome than either could achieve individually. Reds and Yellows share strong verbal skills, are excited about change and enjoy freedom from emotional clutter. Blues and Whites are able to set ego aside, share an interest in team success and are in tune with others. Understanding how these complementary similarities function together lends insights into how to make the most of team members’ natural skills.
Sopranos singing with basses and altos singing with tenors yields the kind of results seen with complementary opposites. The higher range of a soprano blending with the opposing deep, resonant sound of a bass provide a quality of sound that is at once intriguing and beautiful. You will, no doubt, note similar complementary opposites among your co-workers. Reds like to lead and Whites are happy to follow. Whites’ sense of calm and balance tends to temper the fiery disposition of the Red. The steadiness of Blues helps ground the flightiness of Yellows. The spontaneous fun of Yellows helps to pull Blues out of their intense focus on duty and perfection. Complementary opposites are obviously great for teams as these combinations compensate for each other’s limitations and enhance each other’s natural strengths.
Every singing group has their soloists and others who we will call “blenders.” Soloists have the talent and skill to stand-alone and sing. They can be the rainmakers in an organization, the ones who get noticed. Others sometimes resent their prima dona attitude and apparent egotism. “Blenders” are those who are not particularly interested in or proficient at singing alone but are capable of skillfully singing multiple parts. They are the ones, who when added to any musical line, make everyone else singing that line sound immeasurably, almost inexplicably, better. It is not difficult to draw a work/life analogy here. Reds and Yellows are most often the soloists. They like to look good in their respective ways and are often self centered. Blues and Whites tend to be the “blenders” or worker bees. Whatever the project or assignment, they are very capable at multiple assignments and able to set ego aside for the good of the team. With their assistance, the outcome is always improved. Who are your soloists and “blenders?”
Western music is written in such a way to provide both consonant and dissonant harmony. Consonant harmony is the kind that sounds pleasing to the ear. Dissonant harmonies are those that sound almost as if a mistake has been made. Some color combinations also work together in a way that can seem almost as if a mistake has been made. The example most often cited is Reds and Blues. While the potential for a powerfully positive combination exists, this duo can readily be resoundingly dissonant. From their foundation they conflict in logic versus emotion. Reds are all about high productivity. Blues tend toward strong perfectionism. They are polar opposites regarding sensitivity. Reds lacking and Blues possessing an overabundance. The list goes on. Learning how to recognize the areas of natural synergy between this sometimes dissonant color combination is critical to success when confronted with these two power house colors. Reds and Blues are both dependable and oriented toward high achievement. They both have great loyalty: Reds to tasks and Blues to relationships. Reds provide vision and Blue can be counted on for quality. A manager must understand these shared strengths to then help the Red and Blue co-worker recognize and respect the positive traits and not focus unduly on the areas of potential conflict.
What conductors understand and managers must learn is that creating harmony in the workplace does not mean the absence of conflict or dissonance. Singers, irrespective of their part, can be dissonant with other parts or even within their own section. Likewise, all colors have the potential for discord with other colors or even someone who shares their core color. An awareness of the potential for consonant or dissonant harmonies within your organization can help to minimize unproductive differences. That same awareness can also help to explain how some disagreements can provide a dynamic source of strength as each color works through the dissonance. As with Western music, the resolution of the dissonance is where the most beautiful music is found. The same can be true in your organization.
Wendy C. Archibald, J.D., CCP, is the Dean of Students at BYU School of Law. Her involvement with Color Code began 20 years ago.
