Excerpts from The Heart in Forgiveness

The 4 “F’s” – How the 4 Colors Avoid Facing the Truth and Avoid Conflicts

– Rosalie D. Gibbons, MFT and Gloria Manchester, CTACC

“The Heart in Forgiveness” is a process designed by the writers to support you in releasing childhood hurts or other disappointments, regrets, or failures so that you can move forward in your life. As Oprah Winfrey has said, “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” When someone offends, betrays, or deceives us, it is natural to feel frustrated, angry, hurt, and resentful. Our attention and focus zeroes in on the source of our injury, and we rapidly begin building a case to justify our reaction, no matter how accurate or distorted it may be. We become driven to be right about how we view the situation and we resist anything that doesn’t support our perception. We often pay a huge price for this, sometimes destroying our relationships.

Resentments-Resistance-Revenge (Negative 3 R’s) Resentments, the first of the three “Negative R’s” raise their ugly head the moment we experience or perceive an injury, injustice, or conflict. We often stuff these feelings without expressing them directly to the offender in the moment. Women often tend to keep a scorecard of offenses. It is like filling a balloon; each offense fills the balloon a little more until it suddenly bursts (we lose it over some smaller offense) and our relationship is left wondering, “What just happened here?” To paraphrase something Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback Church, said, it’s always more rewarding to resolve the conflict in each moment than to dissolve the relationship.

Broken agreements often are the cause of resentments; they don’t work! An agreement is between us and at least one other person. If we make an agreement, we must either follow-through or renegotiate the specifics it (before it is broken). Repeatedly breaking agreements will eventually tear at the fabric of our relationships (especially with children). We have heard so many teens in our courses say, “I couldn’t trust my parents because they would tell me they would do something and then not do it, totally disappointing me, as if I don’t matter!”

When we don’t effectively communicate, our negatively charged emotions build up and we begin building a wall which often turns into resistance, the second “Negative R.” Though some of us may not have a problem confronting others, most of us don’t set clear boundaries with others or define healthy expectations for ourselves. Many of us are much clearer about what we don’t want, rather than what we do want. We may be vocal about our beliefs, values, and desires to others, but are either intimidated by the person who hurt or offended us or fear the consequences of telling the truth.

As Gloria, coauthor of The Wisdom in RE … Rethinking Your Life says, “Fear is the distance between the thought and the action.” In other words, the moment we dare to take the necessary action to face our fears and resolve the conflicts that are at the heart of our resentments, our fears are usually reduced to a manageable size. The healthy way to deal with negative experiences is to set clear boundaries, hold ourselves and others accountable, and communicate honestly and respectfully when our boundaries are violated. In most situations, honest, straightforward communication usually resolves the problems.

In the third “Negative R,” revenge occurs when communication is compromised and there is a greater potential for loss in our relationships. We often feel obliged or compelled to do things that we don’t want to do and don’t feel good about doing. We then start to withhold, retreat, sabotage ourselves and others, or otherwise undermine the integrity of the relationship in one way or another, feeling altogether justified in our “sweet revenge.” But the price of revenge, though it may be momentarily sweet, is ultimately toxic to our health. In the end, our resentments, our bitterness, our shame, and our guilt rob us not only of our personal power and health but also our hope and inner peace.

When you cannot forgive others you destroy the bridge over which you too must pass. When conflicts arise we are either building a wall of resentment or a bridge of forgiveness. If we cannot forgive others, we risk not being forgiven ourselves. As none of us is perfect, at some point in our lives, we will deceive or cause injury to others and seek to be forgiven. Though it is far easier to point the finger of blame than it is to take a look at our own choices and actions – when you point outward with one finger and thumb, three fingers are pointing back at you.

Forgiveness vs. Trust, before getting to the heart in forgiveness, it is essential to clarify what it is not. Forgiveness does not make an offender right. It doesn’t mean that we immediately put our trust in the deceiver, sweep the matter under the rug, or remain in relationships that are unhealthy or abusive. In fact, there is a huge difference between forgiveness and trust. Forgiveness is a conscious choice we make in the moment. Trust must be built over time through repeatedly demonstrated positive and corrective action. Forgiveness allows us to recognize and assign appropriate responsibility where it belongs, and presents us with the opportunity to reclaim our personal power. “Forgiveness is not a single act of courage–it is an ongoing act of grace.” – Rose Gibbons

The 4 F’s – How the Four Colors Avoid Facing the Truth and Avoid Conflict

When we are in the Negative 3 R’s we are avoiding dealing with our feelings in an honest and direct manner. Once we recognize the unconscious ways we avoid facing the truth about ourselves, we can consciously begin building from our strengths to initiate change, resolution and reconciliation. Before we go to the Positive 3 R’s, we need to take a look at how each of the four innate personality colors typically avoids truth and conflict when in their limitations.

Red – This personality is motivated by power so they tend to fight, when in their limitations, using their power to intimidate or control the situation. However, as quickly as they explode, they are typically over it.   Their strengths are that they are visionaries, directors and natural leaders. When in fight mode they are confrontational and insensitive and may not see or acknowledge the relationship casualties along the way.  Reds are task-oriented and logical thinkers.

Blue – Blues, on the other hand tend to freeze in their avoidance.  They are driven by intimacy, and in their strengths, they are quality-oriented, compassionate and committed. In their limitations they often come off as self-righteous, and can be very judgmental and perfectionistic. This is the only personality where they are both task-oriented and relationship-oriented. However, with a Blue, the relationship is always at the forefront.

White – This personality is driven by peace. In their strengths they bring balance, kindness, and the voice of reason.  However, in their limitations, they faint, disconnect and go silent. When the pressure is high, their physical discomfort spikes. To release the pressure they typically dis-engage.  Whites seek autonomy. Give them a project, instruct them in what you want them to do … then leave them alone to do it.  Whites are task-oriented and logical thinkers.

Yellow – A Yellow personality most often takes flight (emotionally or literally) to avoid conflict.   As they are driven by fun, they are usually creative, persuasive, forgiving and engaging, but when in their limitations they want to keep it light. When being confronted with the facts,  they often turn to humor to turn down the heat and distract the conversation. In their limitations they may have poor follow-through, often promising more than they deliver.  Yellows are relationship-oriented.

Though we all have unique personalities, we each have an innate core color and a secondary color that express our natural strengths and limitations. We are most often held back by the limitations of our secondary color. From the “4 F’s”, list above, which of these most accurately describes how you avoid facing the truth and conflict? It will either most likely be from your motivating core color, your secondary color or both.

These copyrighted excerpts from The Heart in Forgiveness are in Part 2 of the book The Wisdom in RE … Rethinking Your Life !  This book was written and published by Rosalie D. Gibbons, MFT (Blue) and Gloria Manchester, CTACC (Red). Gloria and Rose are both active certified Color Code Trainers. The book is available at www.wisdominre.org

Confessions of a Red—The Science of Love

Today my son Chris and I had an interesting conversation about love. He is a White and therefore very introspective when it comes to observing human nature. I, on the other hand, am a Red so tend to discount emotions that seem to inflict the lovelorn. Still, even though I am missing the romance chip, I found the conversation interesting.

It seems that Chris’s Yellow friend is addicted to falling in love. OK, addicted might be too strong a word, but he is strongly attracted to the high that one gets when the whole falling in love process begins. So, we will throw out the word addiction, but make no mistake…there are powerful chemicals involved. Chris knows that once his friend is in the throws of early love, he won’t often see him, and when he does, he will be distant and unfocused (Chris actually used the word “stupid”). There is nothing he can do, not even intervention, to save his friend at this point. He is a goner.

Being a Red, I decided to try to check into the unemotional, physiological aspects of love. It turns out that nobody, not even a Red, is immune from this falling in love stuff.

According to Helen Fisher of Rutgers University, the love process has 3 stages, all using a different and powerful chemical cocktail.


The first stage is Lust. For the purposes of this g-rated blog, we will define lust as an “intense ardor”. It is an entirely selfish response that has nothing to do with love. Research has shown it takes as little as 90 seconds to decide if you are “in lust” …hardly time to fall in love.

During the Lust stage, the hormones testosterone and oestrogen kick in. Yes, in women too. Testosterone is not confined only to men. Both of these hormones are what drive your animal instincts.


The second stage is Attraction. This is that magical time when you are truly love-struck and see your new partner and your new relationship through rose-colored glasses. Your hands sweat, your heart pounds and you can’t think of much else but this unbelievable person you’ve found. You are sure that they are perfect and your relationship is unlike any in all of history. It is also when the most powerful of all the love cocktails come into play: adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin.

The early stages of attraction activates your stress response, increasing your blood levels of adrenalin and cortisol so that when you unexpectedly bump into your new love, you start to sweat, your heart races and your mouth goes dry.

This chemical stimulates ‘desire and reward’ by triggering an intense rush of pleasure. It has the same effect on the brain as taking cocaine!

Fisher suggests “couples often show the signs of surging dopamine: increased energy, less need for sleep or food, focused attention and exquisite delight in smallest details of this novel relationship” .

Serotonin may explain why when you’re falling in love, you think obsessively about this new lover. Dr Donatella Marazziti, a psychiatrist at the University of Pisa analyzed blood samples from new lovers and discovered that serotonin levels were equivalent to the low serotonin levels of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder patients.


This is the stage where the rose-colored glasses come off, and you still like what you see. Scientists think there might be two major hormones involved in this feeling of attachment; oxytocin and vasopressin.

Again, this is a G-rated blog, so we won’t get into the effects or “distribution” of these two powerful hormones. Suffice it to say that they are what make us want to go forth and multiply.

It turns out the poets got it wrong when they waxed romantic about the heart. It is the brain that is the greatest organ of love. Without it and all the powerful chemicals it provides, you might never have advanced from stage 1. Just try finding a brain-shaped box of chocolates.

Happy Valentine’s Day


Teresa Glenn has been working with the Color Code since 2006, where her main focus is product development. She has been in the publishing and product development field for over 20 years. Teresa is a core Red with a strong Yellow secondary.  

Ask the Expert

Dear Jeremy,

So my secondary and tertiary colors (red and blue) are really close (28% and 21%, respectively). But somehow I got a TON of the weaknesses of blue, and NONE of the strengths. And it’s really showing up and creating conflict in my life, esp since I’m almost 50% yellow. What does a person do about that?? Can I please have a blue-ectomy?


Hey, Tori.

Thanks for taking the time to write us about this. It’s a great question/dilemma. I would not recommend going with the Blue-ectomy, though. They’re invasive, expensive, and you may end up losing a lot of heart in the process. 🙂

What we do need to do, however, is find a way of redirecting those Blue limitation tendencies and perhaps working on developing some of the Blue strengths. The good news in this process is that now that this is all in your awareness, you will hopefully know when you are going into negative Blue mode and can make a course-correction before things get ugly. That would be a good place to start: simply recognize and adjust.

Of course, I don’t know you personally, but I do know a lot of people who are Core Yellow with Red Secondary. That type of person tends to be high-energy, extroverted, very communicative, adventuresome, persuasive, action-oriented, etc. Yellow and Red strengths tend to complement each other nicely. Interestingly enough, Yellow and Blue strengths can be even more complementary. However, Red and Blue tendencies (strengths and limitations) can oftentimes clash to create lots of inner turmoil. And, obviously, limitations from any category will create problems, generally speaking.

If you are like most Yellows with Secondary Red, the problem that occurs when you operate out of Blue limitations is that you seem to be terribly incongruent to those around you. It just doesn’t fit that you would be fun, light-hearted, sarcastic, engaging, and driven… and then all of a sudden overly sensitive, guilt-ridden, worrisome, and emotionally needy. When people see that behavior, it seems Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde-like, or in your case, perhaps like A Tale of Two Toris.

As I mentioned above, it would be great if you can find a way to overcome the Blue limitations and perhaps develop some of the strengths. Notice – we never call them “weaknesses”, by the way. We prefer the term “limitations”, because if you view them as merely obstacles to be overcome, you can use the awareness of those limitations to become much more powerful and effective. If you think about it, you could view them as opportunities for major improvement and growth in your life.

Let’s talk about where to start.

Actually, I would recommend that you take a look at two of Dr. Hartman’s products, if you haven’t already. I would look at the Hartman Character Code Profile, and I would also recommend the book, Playing Life to Win. Both of these tools can really help you in understanding how to change behavior in your life to transform limitations into strengths.

One of the exercises that we have you complete in the Character Code Profile is to identify your top three limitations. What are those top three Blue limitations that really are plaguing you? Next, think about why you engage in those particular behaviors and look for an “antidote” to work on outside of the Blue behavioral category.

For example, you might say that one of your worst Blue limitations is that you are “emotionally intense”. If that were the case, you would need to thing through your motives for being that way. You ask yourself, “Why am I emotionally intense?”. Is it because you feel the need to control other people, or because you are afraid that people aren’t doing things the “right way” – or is it something else entirely?

When you can pinpoint the motive behind the behavior you want to change, the next step is to look for a strength to focus on developing outside of the category in which the limitation falls. In this case – Blue. You have to look for a Red, Yellow, or White strength to work on so that you can cause yourself to stretch enough that you learn to not slip back into old patterns.

If you felt that being emotionally intense comes from the need to control other people, perhaps, you should work on being trusting – a Yellow strength, or accepting – a White strength. Whatever the case might be, you just need to find the antidote to YOUR motive for behaving the way you do, and then work on developing that strength.

That is a very basic overview of the process, of course, but as I mentioned above, a combination of the Hartman Character Code Profile and Dr. Hartman’s book, Playing Life to Win will definitely get you on a very practical road to making some of the changes you currently desire… No Blue-ectomy required. 😉

Very best of living,

Jeremy Daniel
Training Director
Color Code International


Jeremy Daniel (Core Color: Yellow) has been working with the Color Code since 1998 in various capacities from training in the field personally with Dr. Taylor Hartman to designing customized corporate solutions and new training programs for various industries.  To ask about Jeremy’s training or speaking services, please email and inquiry to jeremy@colorcodetraining.com.

Color Code’s Cheat Sheet for Lovers

February is a great month to celebrate and work on relationships—especially those with your significant other or hopeful significant other. So with that in mind, we created this fun little “Cheat Sheet” for you to have a quick reference way to improve your relationship with your Mr./Mrs. Right or potential Mr./Mrs. Right.

And if your still thirsty for more great dating and relationship advice, don’t forget to check out or new ebook called Dating Secrets that is on sale in our store for only $2.95 this month. Included in it are:

  • In-depth descriptions of traditional color compatibility
  • Charts that list “what makes you hot” and “what makes you not” depending on your Color Personality
  • The Color Personalities’ needs and wants.
  • The Do’s and Don’ts of each motive type.
  • You will also find information on what to expect in a relationship with each Color Personality so if you are “on the hunt” you can know what to expect before you have 2.5 kids and a mortgage.
  • And finally, tips on how to improve your relationship if you’ve already found Mr./Mrs. Right and want to work on keeping it that way (because we all know relationships take work).

Happy Valentine’s Day from The Color Code Team!