Recently, the Color Code team was challenged with this scenario:

“I am a Red…I live with my husband and daughter who are both true Blue. They love to sit around and ‘complain’ about everything and anything…it drives me crazy! Always sounds like they are negative, but they say they are not. On the other hand, I love a good debate…I call enlightening conversation, they think I want to argue all the time, but I just like swapping ideas! How do we enjoy each other’s style of conversation without frustration?!”

As a Red daughter with a Blue mother, this scenario connected. I’m convinced my late father was a Red too, so when we had our “conversations,” mom thought she needed to referee the fight! What fight?!  Which brings me to point number one: Intent vs. Impact. As Reds, we want to keep in mind what we perceive as a “healthy” conversation or debate can be perceived as conflict for those around us. Our intent might be to make a point or to get an issue fleshed out, but the impact could be discord, discomfort and seen as a personal challenge by others. My mother was seeing the “conversation” as a “fight” versus it just being some natural banter between my father and I. We didn’t need a referee (most of the time), but other parties sure did!

Just this week I was having an informal conversation with a friend, who is a Blue. When I shared the above scenario, she became engaged and began looking at the emotional angle. Point number two is: Listen to the Blue. I respect this person. I stopped my immediate reaction and realized I could gain additional content for my blog. Reds — we get each other. So, give me one more minute, and I’ll get to the logical action.

My friend suggested a scenario of this Red taking her family on a trip. What if instead of an agenda that includes learning, always taking action, and finding active challenge (while garnering the best bang for the buck), this Red thought about the memories that could be made? The interpersonal trust-building and opportunity for downtime and dialogue do not always easily occur in our busy lives. What if the trip could logically be about making emotional bank deposits that give a return on investment, leading to a stronger family unit? Less aggravation? Score! 

What does the Blue team get? The emotional connection. Good, positive memories, and even if good plans went awry, the Blue was able to observe the actions of the Red in keeping the pace going and moving forward. We all know the “best plans”…but even when a plan isn’t perfect, it can still be effective and achieve the end goal. When the Blue and Red can connect this way, it helps for future dialogue. The Red can know that the Blue isn’t always “complaining,” but rather doing a conversation replay, analyzing a problem, etc. The Blue can know that the Red isn’t necessarily debating for the sake of challenge, but rather to distill the information to an action plan and end goal.

Point number three: As Reds, we want control and action. Tie in the Blue’s need for control and high-quality with a reticence to act until things are perfect, and you have a potential recipe for disaster. But, there is also the potential for amazing results and increased relationship strength. How? Develop mutual respect.

The bottom line (every Red must say that regularly, right?) is that when the Reds know the Blues respect them and seek to understand their style, and the Blues sense that the Reds appreciate them and know they are endeavoring for connection and appreciation, there is the ability to work from each other’s strengths (superpowers) rather than staying in a cycle of frustration. 

Now, let’s give a nod to our friend Reality. What if the situation discussed is truly stressful? Point number 4: This is where a solid knowledge of each individual’s secondary color becomes very powerful. As a primary Red with a strong Blue secondary, I can be a bag of contradictions if I am not self-aware and bringing the source of my stress to the front of my mind. By calling out the stressor in front of me, I become a strong, solid Red again. And, by utilizing the empathy and gifts of my primary Blue friends and family, I remember what it is like to be driven more by emotion than logic. I neutralize my limitations.

So, back to that family where the Red wants a “healthy discussion,” and her Blue family wants to focus on the emotion and challenges. By understanding which angle each person is coming from, their issues can be dealt with — for all parties. For example, the neighbor needs help mowing the grass while they are in the hospital.  Done. That Red will organize and take action (keeping the Blue from thinking about the best day to mow, what about the temperature, do they like their yard mowed at a certain angle…Blues —  I know I’m hitting your spots right now!) The Blue can think about an additional consideration, such as picking up the neighbor’s mail, providing a welcome home meal, ensuring the plants are watered with care, etc.

Point number five: When there is mutual respect and a drive to exhibit good character, this color combination does not have to look like a Red/Blue = purple bruise. It can become a superpower combination that can discover what is going on by assessing the situation (within healthy boundaries), developing an action plan and digging into getting real things done.

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Kelly L. Knowles is an inner-leadership coach who helps her corporate clients and individual professionals discover, develop and dig into their innate potential©. She uses her Red/Blue combo to create interactive custom workshops that provide a return on investment for clients that is immediately realized. Kelly has been a Color Code trainer since 2017, when she announced to her husband at an event, “I’m a Red, you’re a White, and this explains everything!” You can reach her at: www.kellyknowles.net.