On September 11, 2001 the world watched as the twin towers of the World Trade Center collapsed. On the same day, my own little piece of the world was collapsing. My mother was diagnosed with stage-four cancer and she was in the process of dying. Her life ended on September 20, and it felt as though mine would too. I was devastated, and privately mourned her well. I didn’t show anyone else the depth of my grief, but instead remained stoic. My lack of visible emotion was misinterpreted as at best, denial, and at worst, downright indifference.

At some point in our lives, we all have to face the death of a loved-one, close friend, or even a beloved pet. Suddenly, emotions are high and the most trivial of things can offend. Reactions to our loss can vary dramatically from one family member to another. According to hov.org (Hospice of the Valley), there are two types of mourners:

Thinkers experience and speak of their grief intellectually and physically. They are most comfortable with seeking accurate information, analyzing facts, making informed decisions and taking action to solve problems. Remaining strong, dispassionate and detached in the face of powerful emotions, they may speak of their grief in an intellectual way, thus appearing to others as cold and uncaring, or as having no feelings at all.

Feelers experience a full, rich range of emotions in response to grief. Comfortable with strong emotions and tears, they are sensitive to their own feelings and to the feelings of others, as well. Since they feel strong emotions so deeply, they’re less able to rationalize and intellectualize the pain of grief, and more likely to appear overwhelmed and devastated by it.

Sound familiar?

Of course. Reds and Whites, being logic-based, are the thinkers and Blues and Yellows, being emotion-based, are the feelers.

When a loved-one dies, it is not only important to recognize why you grieve the way you do, but why others grieve the way they do. This will create understanding that will help you to support your fellow mourners and keep your relationships strong during a fragile time.

Reds and Whites—you need to realize that your Blue and Yellow siblings, friends, spouses, etc., need comfort, both physically and emotionally. Do not belittle their open show of grief by telling them to be strong. Let them weep, talk, and express their feeling in a public way. This may not be your style, but it is their need.

Blues and Yellows—you must to be aware that because your Red or White siblings, friends, spouses, etc., appear to be emotionless, doesn’t mean their grief is any less powerful than your own. Do not judge their behavior or pester them to let it out by talking about their feelings, or question why they don’t cry.

Don’t let resentment build because you don’t understand at what depth another is grieving. Assume they are feeling pain, and recognize their need for comfort, whether it’s a hug or only giving them space to be alone.

We experience a rollercoaster of emotions when dealing with the death of a loved one. It is important to work together through the pain, and heartbreak. This can only be accomplished by knowing and understanding why we grieve the way we do. CC

Teresa Glenn has been working with the Color Code since 2006, where her main focus is product development. She has been in the publishing and product development field for over 20 years. Teresa is a core Red with a strong Yellow secondary.