October 2013 – blog.colorcode.com

Ask the Expert

Dear Jeremy,

Woof! I need some help! I’m a Blue (Secondary White), married to a STRONG Red (Secondary Yellow) with an almost pure Yellow (secondary possibly White) child! Which explains why at age 33 I have more white hair than people double my age lol. Anyone else in a similar challenging relationship/family structure and how do you (in particular my fellow blues) manage?

Sincerely,

Marquis Dawkins

====================

Dear Marquis,

Your question makes me think of something I’ve heard Dr. Hartman say a hundred times while addressing an audience. He says, “If you are a Blue, married to a Red and you have a Yellow child, just know that God is having a great laugh!”.

I’m sure you probably know exactly why, right? 😉

I really do feel for you, and I have a few words of advice… First of all, I think that it’s fantastic that you are learning about the Color Code. I’m not sure how deep your knowledge goes, but if you haven’t read the book, listened to the seminar CDs or attended a live workshop in the past, it’s probably time you start with some additional education. The book is the least expensive option, of course, and a little bit of knowledge will go a looooonnnng way for you.

Second of all, while you are learning, one of the best lessons you can understand is how to set accurate and reasonable expectations for what you can (and can’t) expect from these important relationships. For example, with your spouse being a Red, you probably can’t expect (or demand) a deep, intimate connection all the time. It may be something that you would like, but you have to realize that it takes a lot of extra work for your spouse to get there – just like it takes extra work for you to be blunt with people, or take risks, or just forget about work for a day and go play. This will help take some of the pressure off and hopefully decrease the amount of worry that you may feel that is directly related to these relationships. If you are like most Blues, you probably set really high (…as in—unreasonable) expectations for yourself and for others. When people – like your Yellow child—for instance, don’t live up to those expectations, you feel let down, and he/she may feel as though he/she will never measure up. It’s not easy for either of you in that scenario… and then of course, you feel guilty. So that’s why it’s important to manage those expectations and allow people to be who they are. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that “different” does not mean “wrong” —especially where others’ behaviors and life attitudes are concerned.

The third, and last piece of advice that I have for you goes hand-in-hand with the last one. It is to learn to not take things personally. As a Blue, that can be tough, but once you figure out how to do it, you will feel liberated. You really will.

Listen, Reds and Yellows both can be insensitive at times. With Reds you really need to realize that whatever it is that they say—no matter how harsh it sounds—is not meant as a personal attack. They really don’t have time for that, if you think about it. With Yellows, on the other hand, you have to learn to accept some playful teasing—even if it’s a little more than you feel comfortable with. Trust me. I’m a Yellow, and I know what I’m talking about here. If a Yellow doesn’t like you, they don’t tease you. So, when you experience a little ribbing from your Yellow child, or general playfulness, it’s probably a good sign.

Life and relationships can be complicated. I hope that my response here today helps you decode some of the things you deal with on a daily basis.

Onward and upward!

Very best of living,

Jeremy Daniel
Training Director
Color Code International
jeremy@colorcode.com

Jeremy Daniel (Core Color: Yellow) has been working with the Color Code since 1998 in various capacities from training in the field personally with Dr. Taylor Hartman to designing customized corporate solutions and new training programs for various industries. To ask about Jeremy’s training or speaking services, please email and inquiry to jeremy@colorcodetraining.com.

In the Ring: Heavyweight vs. Lightweight

When I first received my Color Code comprehensive assessment it confirmed what I always expected, I’m a bit crazy and complicated. The first sentence actually said, “Welcome to one of the most complex personalities known to man.” I knew it and I’m pretty sure my friends and family did too, but now I had proof!

As a Blue/Red I am a super control freak. I’m all heavyweight with barely an ounce of White or peace in my life. Go figure.

I was very excited after reading my assessment and taking the Color Code training classes. So excited in fact, I shared the tests with everyone including my boyfriend. I always knew my boyfriend and I were opposites, but I never realized HOW different. Here I am, the get it done, cross everything off my to do list type person and here was my Yellow/White boyfriend-all lightweight.

After the first year of dating wore off— (you know when the rainbows, butterflies, and sitting on Cloud 9 goes away and you start to experience a real relationship), we started to face off—heavyweight vs. lightweight. Being both emotional thinkers first, our fights weren’t pretty.

So how did we fair in the boxing ring?

Round 1: What’s my purpose in life?

Like many people, this is a question I am struggling with. I spend every day taking personality and career tests trying to find my purpose. I ponder it night and day, worrying that if I don’t say yes to helping every nonprofit or friend, I may miss my calling or connection that introduces me to my purposeful job. My lightweight boyfriend on the other hand, doesn’t seem to worry much. He enjoys his job of teaching tennis. Does he aspire to do other things in life? Yes, he’s sure of it, but for now he loves teaching tennis and has no other long-term goals. I couldn’t fathom this at first.” You don’t have a list of goals?” I asked, “I have a new list every month. You don’t ever worry you may be wasting time?”

“Nope,” he said and then countered, “How is it a waste of time enjoying the beautiful here and now? Sounds like you’re wasting your life away worrying, Brittany.” The lightweight had a point.

Through the years he has taught me that if I learn to go with the flow a little more and enjoy the present, perhaps my purpose would reveal itself naturally. Plus, I would be a lot happier having fun in the present. It’s a work in progress for this Heavy weight to let go, but having him around is a good reminder. Round 1 goes to the lightweight.

Round 2: How clean should a house be?

I am definitely not a super neat freak, but I am clean. Yes, I may have a messy closet or desk, but in general, my house is in top condition, especially in the areas where guests may come. I have a schedule for cleaning, I make sure everything is put away, and love a fresh scent of cinnamon apples always drifting through the house. The lightweight is beyond messy. He would prefer to spend time doing fun things instead of wasting time cleaning. The problem came when I tripped as I tried walking through his messy apartment or the time I found moldy food on the floor and started to throw up. “How can you live like this,” I screamed between gags. He shrugged and said he didn’t notice.

When he moved in with me, he finally did admit that it was nice to be in a clean, homey place. I felt a small sense of victory until I realized I was cleaning for two now, because he was complimenting MY cleaning skills, not volunteering to clean. I handed him the vacuum and said “great, glad you like it. Let’s get to work.” Round 2 goes to the heavyweight.

Round 3: What type of vacation do you want to take?

As a Blue/Red, I’ve been known to bring a folder of everything needed for a vacation. Sample itineraries, the top ten places to eat in the area, coupons…you name it; I am prepared for anything on the trip. I like to learn the history of the area and memorize the map. My boyfriend has been impressed with my restaurant choices and the quirky “must see” places I’ve taken him too, but he’s never been impressed with my fully loaded itineraries. “Vacations are for resting, too,” he said.

I yelled back, “Vacations are for seeing everything just in case you never go back to that location before you die.” Yes, blues can be dangerously pessimistic.

A few weeks ago, he decided one night in advance that we would go to NYC to watch the U.S. Open tennis matches the next day. Was I excited? Yes. Did he have any idea where we were going to stay when hundreds of thousands of people where descending on New York to watch the U.S. Open, let alone everyone else who visits New York? No.

I searched for over four hours, almost ready to throw the computer at the lightweight for not mentioning this trip sooner and already buying tickets. Finally, I found one lone hotel in Manhattan for $132 a night- affordable and three stars. Was it extremely small? Yes. Did it have a bed and a shower? Perfect.

So who won this round? NYC was amazing even last minute, but my vacations have also been amazing. I make this round a tie. Sometimes spontaneity is great, but sometimes a little planning helps make the trip go more smoothly.

Round 4: The Winner

One of the first things I learned in Color Code Training was to make sure I tell my training classes that no color is better than another color. So don’t worry, I am not going to deem Blue/Reds better than Yellow/Whites (although some days I am a bit partial). Instead, I am going to tell you a couple lessons I have learned from my Color Code experience.

The fights my boyfriend and I were having over vacations, houses, jobs, goals etc., were definitely culminating to pretty tough boxing matches on a daily basis. It all started to change the night I had him take the Color Code test. We sat reading each other’s comprehensive assessments and both got teary eyed. All those things we sometimes hated about each other, we actually began to understand the motivation behind them. I realized that I really did love the beauty of a Yellow. He was able to always see the positive, stay in the present moment and go with the flow. He really did wake up singing and excited for each day. He also realized that he adored many of my Blue qualities like my thoughtfulness and how detail-oriented I am. He said my qualities made up for his faults. A few days later he bought me a yin yang bracelet and said it reminded him of us because our strengths and weaknesses even each other out. It was an important reminder that we really do need all four colors in this world. It also taught me to continue working on adding Yellow and White qualities to my life in pursuit of balance. CC

Brittany Barhite is a Color Code trainer in Toledo, OH. She oversees communications for a nonprofit. Throughout her career she has worked in training and change management, as well as marketing. She has her masters in communications and also teaches small group communications and public speaking at a community college.

The Pet Code?

The Color Code works great on people. What about pets? Do they have personalities too? Fascinating question.

Every animal lover knows that yes, animals do have very distinct personalities. I remember my old dog Xander. He was definitely a Yellow. He was all about fun. Very extroverted. Xander had to be in the middle of the action ALL the time. He HAD to meet everybody. Everyone HAD to pet him. After that, it was play time! If you didn’t play and run with him, he’d grab something of yours and take off with it to make you chase him! Fun. Fun. Fun.

My mother-in-law’s dog was completely different. She got a new puppy: Aunt Bee. You would think a puppy would be even more playful. Nope. I would describe her as more of a Red. She was all business. She didn’t like all of Xander’s horse play and monkey business. It annoyed her and made her mad. Even as a puppy she liked to be in charge. The top dog. She did not enjoy or appreciate Xander’s antics. Xander would come up to her with a toy. He would try to tease her and entice her into playing. She would have no part of it. When Bee’s patience wore thin, she would actually start to growl and snap at Xander when he approached to play. Amazing for a puppy.

Our second dog was Blitzen. He was very different from Xander. He was a great dog. Very intelligent. He trained very quickly. In Color Code, I’d say he was a Blue. Very dependable. Very loyal and responsible. He was a perfectionist about following the rules. Xander meant to follow the rules. He just got distracted by all the fun and forgot sometimes. Not so with Blitzen. At his first obedience class I put him in a sit stay. There was a wild mob of crazy puppies all running around him playing. He was still a puppy himself but he would not budge. They ran into him. Chewed on his ear. Grabbed his tail. Still he sat and watched for my command. Amazing control.

Xander was all play. Blitzen was all work. His ‘job’, as he saw it, was to guard the children. He constantly patrolled the house and the yard checking on people. After his rounds he would go sit quietly somewhere off in the corner where he could keep an eye on things. He always followed the rules and he expected the kids to follow the rules also. When they got too loud and rambunctious he would get upset. He started running around them in circles. Gently nipping at their heels to herd them into a safe pocket where he could get them to settle down some. Xander never did this. He would have been in the middle, jumping and playing right along with them.

Blitzen was introverted. He usually liked to go sit by himself somewhere. He also worried a lot. The kids were his flock to look after. When they went out the gate to play with the kids down the street, he panicked. He couldn’t go along! He was absolutely frantic with worry the entire time they were gone. Nothing could distract him. When they did come back home for dinner he had to carefully inspect everyone and check them over. Make sure there were no injuries. Then he moped around like he felt guilty that he let everyone down for the day. Xander? Completely different. He would have been mad at first that the kids took off without him. He would have forgotten all about that a moment later when a butterfly wandered past. He would have instantly made a game out of chasing the butterfly! When the kids came back he would have been excited and ready to play again.

Do animals have distinct personalities? Yes. Some are quiet and timid. Some are exuberant and playful. Some are careful and worry. Some are bold and dominating. They are born with an innate primary core motive. Just like people. And guess what? They have conflicts, behavioral and relationship problems too! What is your personality? What it the personality of your pet? What about other family members and other pets? How do they all get along or have conflict? Can you use the Color Code as a guide to deal with pet problems too? Absolutely.

Xander needed to play. You can’t leave a dog like that locked up in a house all day and then come home and expect him to just sit quietly and behave. You are going to have bad behavior as a result. Xander would actually get mad if he didn’t get enough play time and attention. He would start tearing things up and destroying stuff around the house. –Things he knew were wrong and ordinarily would never do. Consider his color. This dog NEEDS fun. Take him out for a walk/run. Not feeling that energetic after work? Play a game of fetch. Let him do all the running. Just like with people: help him obtain his core motive, then sit back and watch the magic.

When he is not playing poker or living in his 20’ Sioux tipi in the Rockies, Marshall Barrington lives in a small quiet Swedish town in central Kansas with his family. He has degrees in Business Administration, Marketing and Psychology. He trains, hires and manages new insurance adjusters to process claims at catastrophe sites. He is also a Certified Color Code trainer. His highly acclaimed classes apply Color Code to specific problems: Management, Sales, Human Resources, Dating, Marriage, Parenting and a new workshop for Fiction Writers -Using Color Code to create realistic Characters, conflict & dialogue.