Dear Jeremy,

I have a concern and could use some advice. I’m a strong blue. I work as a nurse and deal with Red personalities at times. As you can guess, these Reds come in the form of doctors.

I have one doctor currently who enjoys belittling and intimidating me in front of other medical team members. My first and only contact so far was not pleasant. I have had texting communication (his preferred way to communicate) since then but not face to face.

I know I need to demand respect from him or he will continue this behavior. Do you have any other suggestions. I’m not feeling any support from my 2 supervisors. I’ve looked through the book on the do’s and dont’s with reds but I’m feeling rather passive in my gearing up for next confrontation.

I know this will not help me succeed in this relationship. I have had issues in the past where other Red docs have been allowed this behavior and it’s become abusive. I left that situation. I NEED this job. Can you give some advice?

Sincerely, Amy.

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Hello, Amy.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write to us about your challenges in the workplace. I can very much appreciate your situation, because we have worked with several nurse groups over the years where we have witnessed the exact same type of conflict you are describing. I’m sorry to say that it is probably more common than the general public may realize, and it is definitely concerning to me.

I have some ideas for you to try for sure. Just know upfront that I understand that a lot of these things are a lot easier said than done (of course!). However, these things WILL be helpful, so they are worth implementing.

Here we go:

1. Remember to not personalize.

This will be a big long-term help for you as a Blue. It won’t fix the immediate conflict with this particular doctor; however, if you intend to stay in the field, you’re going to run into this situation again (as you already have before), and not personalizing could absolutely change the way that you deal with these kinds of things forever. When you refuse to personalize, the other person’s behavior can’t affect you.

What you have to remember here is that when Reds say something that you perceive as being mean or abrasive, they probably don’t mean it as a personal attack. (As a Blue, I’m sure you’re wondering how on Earth it could not be personal, but just know that it probably is not). So, it’s better to not allow it to affect you. Sure, an unhealthy Red might be egotistical and arrogant, but that is their issue – not yours – so don’t start carrying their baggage for them.

2. Earn a Red’s respect by standing up for yourself.

This is HUGE. I’ve learned this from personal experience. The number one thing on a Red’s list is RESPECT. If a Red can’t respect you, they will find it nearly impossible to work with you.

That said you have to gain the respect of this doctor you’re working with.

The way you do this is to stand up for yourself and establish boundaries (but you have to do it in a non-emotional way). At some point in the near future, you will need to talk with this doctor face to face. You have to very simply let him know that you have felt belittled in the past (give examples) and tell him that you are not okay being treated that way. Let him know that you respect him and want to keep things professional and ask that he respect you as well. Then move on and show him that you are willing to work together without carrying baggage.

Here are some tips specifically for this conversation:

• Keep it very brief. Try to cover this in a few sentences in 1-2 minutes. Do not go on past that.
• Be BRIEF, be BOLD, and be GONE. While you are saying what you need to say. Stay on point and be direct. Ask a final question like, “So are we good?” When you get a “Sure, we’re good.” Say, “Great, thanks for the talk.” and get out. Continue with your work day as if nothing happened.
• Keep your cool. You MUST stay logical and direct. The minute you waiver or begin to get emotional, you will lose ground and risk being dismissed/confirmed in his mind as being weak and/or emotional which will make it easy for him to discount everything you tried to say.
• Don’t threaten or lecture. That simply will not work.
• Practice with a Red friend and ask them to be hard on you. Explore different ways the conversation could go. Use that safe environment to build confidence, and be sure to take your friend’s advice and feedback to heart as your natural Blue instincts may not be terribly helpful when it comes down to the real discussion.
• Be sure to hold the actual conversation in ABSOLUTE PRIVACY. If you do this in front of other people, or where the Red might feel that you are being overheard, they will likely feel embarrassed professionally, which is a line you do NOT want to cross with a Red.

3. Understand that he might not take it well initially, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t work.

So let’s say that you prepare. You practice. You get coaching from a friend. You fine tune, and you’re finally ready to go. You have the conversation with this Red doctor and…

Best Case Scenario:

He says something like, “Thanks for bringing that to my attention. I wasn’t aware you felt that way.”

If that happens, mission accomplished! Time to celebrate and move forward. 🙂

Worst Case Scenario:

He categorically rejects everything that you say and gets argumentative.

Then what???

Well, for starters, stick with the plan. Don’t let him draw you into a fire fight. You won’t win that kind of battle and it may even cost you the entire war. Say what you need to say. Keep your cool (even if he loses his), and move on with your day.

What you said still might bring your desired outcome. I’ve seen that with lots of Reds before. The more insecure they are, the more they will argue and push back. That doesn’t mean they didn’t hear you nor does it mean that change will not be the result. They might just have a really, really hard time admitting to you that they were wrong because their ego is bruised. The higher their level of insecurity, the more push-back you will receive. But even if they don’t respond well immediately, stand your ground, and you will still win their respect as long as you have been factual, brief, non-emotional, non-lecturing, etc.

Good luck, my friend. I know it probably sounds scary, but you can do this!

Very best of living,

Jeremy

Jeremy Daniel (Core Color: Yellow) has been working with the Color Code since 1998 in various capacities from training in the field personally with Dr. Taylor Hartman to designing customized corporate solutions and new training programs for various industries.  To ask about Jeremy’s training or speaking services, please email and inquiry to jeremy@colorcodetraining.com.