I’ve raised them the same, but they are soooo different. I can’t believe they came from the same family!
We hear that all the time. The truth is, your children are very different−innately. And as someone with her own unique driving core motive (DCM), you respond differently to each of those little personalities. A Red parent may have difficulty with a Blue child’s intense emotion. A Yellow parent can’t understand why her White child isn’t outgoing.
The chart below shows us how some colors are complementary to one another while others are non-complementary. So, as a parent, you may love your children with all your heart, but may find some of their behaviors to be baffling—even annoying. Since you can’t expect your 4-year-old to modify his behavior to meet your expectations, it is up to you as a parent to learn why your children behave the way they do, and then let them be who they are. Each child responds to your personality in different ways, too.
Red parents are in control. You are the unquestioned leader in the home. As a Red parent, you expect your children to do what you say, when you say it. You do not debate. It is important to you that your family be a cohesive group, with focused goals. If you have White or Yellow children, you will find their lack of follow-thorough disarming. Of all the DCMs Red and Blue parents are more likely to expect children to bend to their will. Work on your understanding of each of your children’s innate needs from a Red point of view:
Your Red child needs to be respected and to be right. This might be in conflict with your need to be right, but allow it every once in a while. A Red child will hide her insecurities. Don’t let that fool you!
Your Blue child needs to be understood and appreciated. They may feel the need to over-articulate in order the achieve understanding. This will be when you need to work on your patience. Listen and validate.
Your White child is logical like you are, but not driven. Remember…she will do whatever you say just to keep the peace. This does not mean she agrees. Allow her the freedom to explore her options at her own pace.
Your Yellow child needs your approval and praise. You may find his constant chatter and happy demeanor, and lack of responsibility to be annoying. Take a time-out if you need one, but don’t try to stifle his natural exuberance. It is a gift that should be nourished.
Blue parents are devoted to home and family. As a Blue parent, you want everything to be perfect. You have a tendency to lecture to get your way. Blues parents are often lied to because a child doesn’t want to disappoint you nor hear your lectures. You have a tendency to worry about your children, their day-to-day lives, and their future. You want nothing but the best for them.
Your Red child will cause you grief if you let her. Remember, Reds and Blues are controlling. That means there is a definite power struggle between parent and child. Your Red child will not respond to nagging. Be succinct and firm if you want her respect. Don’t embarrass her in front of her friends!
Your Blue child is every bit the perfectionist you are. Don’t try to make your Blue child feel guilty. He will punish himself without your help. A mild disapproval is about all it takes. He seeks your approval and physical affection. Take the time to touch him, to talk with him.
Your White child is undemanding and willing to accommodate her sibling’s needs. She may not express her appreciativeness, which you need, but don’t dwell on it. Overall, she will cause the fewest problems, easing your stress level considerably. Don’t worry about her.
Your Yellow Child lacks your organization and planning skills. This drives you crazy. Do not try to over manage your Yellow child. He will ignore you and leave you pulling out your hair. Find a way to harness the playfulness by turning tasks into a fun game.
Yellow parents are very energetic. You like life, so as a parent, you think kids ought to like life too. You enroll them in your life plan of having fun. Yellow parents are always saying, “Let’s go do this, let’s go do that, let’s go meet so and so”…you are always leaving rather than coming. But, Yellows have very poor follow-through on commitments and discipline. You may threaten something in the heat of the moment, but it is too much of a commitment to follow through.
Your Red Child is up for the adventure in the short-term, but wearies of too much social interaction. Reds and Yellows both hide intimate feelings and both have strong argument skills. This means you could hurt each other without knowing. As a parent, you should try to keep your relationship one of parent/child, rather than friend/friend. Your Red child respects that.
Your Blue Child wants you around…as a room mother, at games, or other activities. It is important for you to be there for him…and not just superficially. He needs the security that comes from constancy. Routine may not be in the cards, but set aside time when you can be there 100% for your Blue child. Do not expect spontaneity.
Your White Child needs alone time. Don’t overbook her with play dates and other activities that require social interaction. Whites want you to respect their pace (one truly foreign to you), but lack the desire to verbally joust with you. As a parent, you need to take the high road and recognize that not all kids want to be constantly on the go. Give your White child alone time without chiding them for being anti-social.
Your Yellow Child loves to be on the go, doing anything that involves social interaction. He loves being with you and chatters up a storm, and that delights you no end. The problem is that someone needs to be the parent in this relationship. You need to establish routines such as bath times, bed times, and brushing teeth times. You will be tempted to let him cuddle with you while you watch a movie late at night, but children (even Yellow children) thrive on routine.
Whites as Parents
White parents are like the universal donor, type O blood—compatible with everyone. You are non-judgmental, and slow to react to anger. You accept differences and are even agreeable with disagreeable children. You don’t offer direction, because you don’t want to be seen as pushy, too involved, or too demanding. But interestingly, of all the four personalities, you are the most capable of giving feedback that would be received, because you don’t do it with demands.
Your Red Child has a much stronger personality than do you. She may take advantage of your gentle manner through manipulation. Conversely, she will respect your strong, albeit non-verbal, convictions. Reds and Whites are both logical and therefore, are complementary opposites. Both of you are comfortable in your own skin, and don’t require social approval to be contented.
Your Blue Child needs sensitivity and emotional commitment. This will be the most difficult for you to actively supply, simply because you don’t need those things. Keep reminding yourself to express your feelings.
Your White Child might be your biggest challenge as a parent, because you are both so alike. The both of you could, quite comfortably, be alone for hours. One of the problems with a White child, is that she approaches life too casually. Like you, she can be silently stubborn and refuse to comply by quietly eluding you. You have to rise above your natural compliant tendencies to enforce your rules.
Your Yellow Child will be the one that really tests your comfort zones. He is expressive, active and engaging—all the things that don’t come naturally to you.Challenge yourself by allowing him to introduce an element of fun into your life. Be quick to praise him and remember, Yellows accept your form of gentle and positive advice.
These are just a few pointers to help you understand how your individual personality interacts with those of your children. We are also including a very resourceful companion poster that highlights the strengths, limitations, needs and wants for each color your children might be. CC
Teresa Glenn has been working with the Color Code since 2006, where her main focus is product development. She has been in the publishing and product development field for over 20 years. Teresa is a core Red with a strong Yellow secondary.