4 Building Blocks for Charactered Children

The family is gathered for the holidays. You have gone out of your way to search out the perfect gift. You may have spent more than planned, but you believe it will be worth it when you see the light in the child’s eye. Then, everything implodes. The child opens the gift and says, “Is that ALL?” or “I didn’t want this!” or “You got me clothes?!” You are torn between embarrassment and anger. You want to take the gift back from him, but fear you’ll look as immature as the child.

Sadly, many of us are raising our children in a “is that all?” society. We see meltdowns in the grocery store, tantrums in restaurants, and overall bad behavior when a child doesn’t get his way. If this behavior goes unchecked, by the time these children become teenagers, they are deeply entrenched in entitlement issues that cannot be easily undone.

Building Character

“Character building begins in our infancy and continues until death.” -Eleanor Roosevelt

Every time you say no to your child, it is one more brick in his character. It is critical to begin building character, block by block, when your childern are young and their foundation is steady and strong…and receptive.

Remember, character in not innate. We learn by example, good and bad. Like my mother, we must set good examples, along with expectations, throughout our child’s life. Otherwise they will learn from their environment and by those whose character you may not want to be an example. Follow these 4 building blocks and you will help create character from which your child will benefit his entire life.

BUILDING BLOCKS

INTEGRITY

“Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching.” -CS Lewis

Integrity is the foundation on which we build character. It encompasses honesty, morality, ethics, rectitude…the list goes on. As with all things, a child learns from observing behaviors in his environment. Everything you do and say in front of a child is neatly tucked away in his memory banks.

Role-play reinforcement. Pretend your child just found a $10 bill outside of a toy store. Ask your child what he would do with it. You are watching as a classmate is bullied. How do you react? You forgot to study for a test and the person in front of you clearly knows all the answers and you can see them. What would you do? Don’t just do this once. Repeat often.
Expect the truth. If you allow your child to get away with little white lies, they will learn that lies are a reasonable way to get out of trouble. If unchecked, lies will become easier in the telling.
Obey the rules. The term “rules were meant to be broken” can become a crutch. Do not compromise on the importance of good citizenship. Always reinforce that rules are there for a reason.

RESPECT

“Respect is a two-way street, if you want to get it, you’ve got to give it.” – R.G. Risch

As a Red, respect is very important to me. Nothing pushes my buttons more than when a child disrespects an adult. Luckily, I also know that children require respect. Children learn by example. If you try to teach your children respect by treating them disrespectfully, they will, ironically, learn disrespect.

Show appreciation. When a child does what you’ve asked of him, tell him thank-you. Positive reinforcement goes a long way in communicating how a child should respond in-kind.
Listen. Before your disagreement escalates into an all out battle, take the time to listen to your child. You never know…he just might have a point. Again, this will also reinforce that you respect him. He will, in turn, learn the value of listening.
Teach by example. If your child overhears you making snide comments about your boss, or you are rude to a server at a restaurant, he will soon learn that this kind of disrespect is acceptable.

RESPONSIBILITY

“You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.” –Abraham Lincoln

Responsibility will serve your child well throughout his life. Responsibility encompasses, work ethic, self-worth, self-discipline, and ownership. Studies show that children who are expected to contribute to the household at a very early age, learn self-discipline and pride in a job well done.

Be consistent. Set a time each day when children are responsible for a particular chore such as picking up toys. Don’t ply them with empty threats like, “If you don’t pick up that toy, I’ll throw it away”. They need to know that they are picking up the toys because it is their responsibility to do so, and not because of idle threats.
Make sure they do their fair share. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it is easier to put out the napkins yourself, but you have assigned your 3-year-old to be the “napkin-guy” then it is important to make sure he does this chore consistently, even if it means pausing Bob the Builder. Sharing responsibility for household chores gives children a feeling of accomplishment.
Reward truthfulness. It is important that children learn to take responsibility for their own actions. It is instinctual to try to hide the misdeed, or worse, to blame an innocent party. Praise him for owning the blame before addressing the action itself.

EMPATHY

“True contentment comes with empathy.” –Tim Finn

Most of us assume that empathy is innate, not learned, but studies show that empathy can not only be learned, but internalized when encouraged and fostered at an early age.

It is difficult for children to understand the plight of others when they haven’t experienced a similar situation. For example, if they have never gone hungry, they don’t understand the magnitude of how a child without food feels. If they have ten pairs of shoes in their closet, it is more unlikely they will feel empathy for a child who has no shoes. That is not to say that you should starve your child, but there are ways to expose him to those who lack his comforts.

Volunteer for those less fortunate. Make a tradition of working at a homeless shelter or food bank. Begin when your child is young so the need for the service you provide will be ingrained at an early age. In the beginning, they will watch you, later you will find a task that is age-appropriate. Your child won’t forget, and you’ll feel better too!
Point out vulnerable similarities. Gently remind your child of his own emotions and inadequacy when he was faced with a similar situation. Point out that when a child is teased, or worse, bullied, they feel the same way. If a child can relate on a personal level, he will understand the feeling of others more intensely and feel empathy for that person.
Expect children to give as well as receive. When a child presents you with a gift, show great appreciation. Take the child shopping to pick out a special toy for your favorite holiday charity. At first they won’t understand why they can’t keep this favored toy, but soon they will learn the satisfaction of giving.

So, this holiday season, it may be the perfect time to rethink your approach to building character. As parents we want our children to be happy. If that means giving in, against our better judgment, to the Xbox or iPhone so be it. The trouble is, that without the blocks necessary to build good and strong character, they won’t become the happy adults you want so desperately for them to become. They will become adults who say “Is that all?” CC

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Teresa Glenn has been working with the Color Code since 2006, where her main focus is product development. She has been in the publishing and product development field for over 20 years. Teresa is a core Red with a strong Yellow secondary.

Hi Jeremy,

My core color is Red (with a strong secondary blend of Blue and Yellow).

My husband is a core White, with Yellow secondary traits.

My issue: he thinks personality studies are stupid and a waste of time. I feel like he is limiting himself but refusing to understand himself and others… And limiting our relationship, since he doesn’t get my need to share and be understood.

Obviously I can’t change him, but what do I do? I’m frustrated!

Sincerely,
Heather

====================

Hi, Heather.

I’m sorry you are so frustrated. That would be very difficult. If it helps to know, you’re definitely not alone. Many people have come to us over the years with similar situations, and the good news is that I think you can work with this if you take a slightly different approach.

More on that in just a second….

For now, I just wanted to congratulate you on something.

Specifically, I want to commend you for adopting the 100% Responsibility mindset. How do I know you have that? You said that you know that you can’t change him, and instead asked what you should be doing differently.

That is a huge indicator that you are definitely looking at things in the right way. Too often, people simply blame the other person in the relationship. They will say, “he is too stubborn,” or “she just doesn’t listen to what I’m saying,” etc., etc. In short, they blame the other person and expect them to do all the changing.

Of course, we know that we have ZERO guarantees that the other person will ever be willing to change. That’s why we must adopt YOUR mentality of asking ourselves, “What should I be doing differently?”

That is really important, so good for you!

Now that we’ve covered that, let’s take a look at how to handle this.

Of course, I don’t know your husband, so some of this may not apply to him completely, but we have noticed over the years that men with a White DCM are one of the demographics most likely to push back on the idea of personality assessments in general. It’s usually because they loathe the idea that they could potentially be “pigeon-holed”/trapped by the experience.

We’ve actually had workshop participants ask who would be receiving access to the results and whether the information was being kept in some kind of special database that employers would then use to determine who gets what jobs, etc.

Uh… no. That’s not how this works. 🙂

However, to people who fear the possibility of being “put in a box”, this process can be perceived as being risky.

With all of that said, here are my suggestions:

Study the Needs and Wants and the Do’s and Don’ts of the White personality. You can read about those in the Color Code book (now The People Code), or review them from our Code Cards.

The Needs and Wants will give you great insight into how to speak his language—how to frame things up in a way that will make total sense to him, as opposed to forcing him to see things your way. With you as a Red, he probably sees you as being more controlling and/or pushy than you see yourself being, so being able to change gears a little will help you communicate with him more effectively. It will allow him to not be defensive and to open up so that he can actually hear what you are saying.

This is probably going to be challenging for you. You will have to be patient, and you will likely have to give things more time than you are used to, because of your internal sense of Red urgency as opposed to his easy-going style of the White with Secondary Yellow. However, it still could very well be the fastest route to get to where you want to be in the relationship, so be sure to keep that end goal in mind.

Don’t talk about “personality testing” or even the “Color Code” during the process unless he warms up to it. If you feel he always has a negative reaction, try meeting him where he is by simply modifying the vocabulary a little.

What I mean is just talk about your relationship in general and what your personal needs are. He will certainly understand that. Keep things both kind and logical in your discussion. Don’t threaten, create conflict, or get emotional. Those kinds of approaches could be easily dismissed in his mind. Again—a thorough understanding of the White Needs and Wants and Do’s and Don’ts should be extremely helpful.

Start with those two suggestions and see how things go. Again, even if he doesn’t care about “personality testing”, he does care about you and about your relationship, so if you simplify the approach a little and have a solid game plan in your mind, you will definitely start to see some positive results.

Thank you for your question, Heather!

Very best of living,
Jeremy Daniel
Training Director
Color Code International

Jeremy Daniel (Core Color: Yellow) has been working with the Color Code since 1998 in various capacities from training in the field personally with Dr. Taylor Hartman to designing customized corporate solutions and new training programs for various industries. To ask about Jeremy’s training or speaking services, please email and inquiry to jeremy@colorcodetraining.com.

Month: December 2014

Is That ALL!?