Frank Sinatra crooned, “Love and marriage. They go together like a horse and carriage.” Statistically, that means that 50 percent of horses are sans carriage. What is it that the other 50 percent have that keeps them hitched? Experts agree that there are many tips to help your marriage.

While no expert, I have been married to the same man for over forty years. Along the way, I’ve picked up a few sage truths:

Treat Your Spouse with RESPECT

A friend said, “I wish my husband would treat me as well as yours treats you. He worships the ground you walk on.” This after slamming the phone down, and yelling at her husband to come and fix the #&!%@*% car. I thought to myself, “If I treated my husband that way, he wouldn’t worship the ground I walk on!”

Reds: Do not criticize or contradict your spouse in public. You’ll be tempted to highlight your superior intelligence, but do resist.

Blues: You have a tendency to be judgmental. Nobody likes to hear that they do things wrong over and over again. Lower your Blue standards.

Whites: Do not show how bored you are if your spouse is ranting about something important to them, no matter how trivial you may find it.

Yellows: You are fun to be around most of the time. Unless your spouse is also a Yellow, they will need occasional breaks from your exuberance.

Don’t Try to Change Your Spouse

I once believed that in order to have a perfect marriage, my husband and I needed to have a lot in common. I tried to like sports, particularly golf, and he pretended to appreciate all the art at the festivals I dragged him to. We both soon realized that it was more fun to be with someone who really shared the same passion for our interests. He found a few golf buddies, and I found friends who actually like art. We are both content and do not begrudge each other’s time pursuing our interests.

I also decided not to care about how fast he eats, what he’s wearing when we go out, or the fact that purchasing any kind of a gift for me gives him heart palpitations. What he does do is clean off the table when he’s finished eating, compliments me on how I look when we go out, and he brings me coffee in the morning plus treats when he goes to the store…much better.

Reds: Intimidation it will only create friction and resentment. You are not always right.

Blues: Don’t let your perfectionism affect your relationship. Your spouse may have lower (and more realistic) expectations.

Whites: You won’t be the one trying to change your spouse. Don’t procrastinate. Express your feelings.

Yellows: The world doesn’t really revolve around you. Accept that your spouse may not want to do fun things all the time.

Don’t Threaten the D Word

Never threaten divorce, unless you truly want a divorce.

Oftentimes, in the heat of battle, we say hurtful things that cannot be undone. The D word is one of them. The first time you say it has the results you want—to lash out and hurt. But pretty soon it might just lose its effectiveness.

A woman I both love and respect and who is one of the most intelligent women I have had the pleasure to know, was married to a great guy who worked hard and was content in his life. Sadly, she frequently found fault, picked fights, threatened divorce, and threw all his clothes on the lawn for all the neighbors to see. He begged her not to divorce him and did whatever it took to mollify her. After many years of putting up with her behavior, one night, he picked his clothes up off the lawn, left, and never came back. She was shocked and devastated. She didn’t understand.

Reds: Don’t let your volatility get out of control, making you say things in anger that can’t be undone.

Blues: You are overly sensitive and slow to forgive. Be careful what you say and do when in the heat of an argument.

Whites: You will avoid confrontation at all costs, and it could be your undoing. Never leave an argument. The first time you leave won’t be your last.

Yellows: You can be impulsive. Try very hard to control the impulse to say hurtful things during an argument.

Manage Your Expectations

According to Steve Brody, author of “Renew Your Marriage at Midlife,” when he asked a group of people what they expected from marriage, women invariably said they want to be loved, cherished, listened to, cared for, and courted.  Men said, “Bring food and show up naked.”

Are these realistic expectations? Probably not. Still, it illustrates that not only do we all have unique driving core motives, we also have a gender “filter” that has been handed down since hunt/nest cavemen times.

Men: Learn to not discount your spouse’s need for an occasional touch, a genuine thanks, or a much needed compliment. These small gestures will go along way in accomplishing your expectations of food and…

Women: Don’t expect your husband to feel emotion as deeply as you do. Even Blue and Yellow men have the “man” filter that tells them they need to be stoic.

Marriage is a process…a road that your hitched carriage will meander down until you find your way. You may take detours and even occasionally lose your way, but a strong marriage will navigate the trip well, and we hope that the knowledge Color Code offers will help you enjoy the ride that much more. CC

Teresa Glenn has been working with the Color Code since 2006, where her main focus is product development. She has been in the publishing and product development field for over 20 years. Teresa is a core Red with a strong Yellow secondary.