I learned I am a Blue personality before I took the test on a dating site where I met my wife. In an attempt to help people find someone compatible (or maybe it was just a great way to start a conversation), the dating site had the Color Code test. This was my first introduction to the Color Code and began my journey, where I have discovered three (actually many more) things about being a Blue.

1. I’m Motivated by Intimacy

I learned I am a Blue before I even took the test. I only had to read the description, “motivated by intimacy” to know that was me. I want to know people. I hate the “How’s the weather?” type conversation. I want to know who you really are. I really am motivated by this. It affects how I approach conflict. I find it interesting I can speak more truth to someone I know well but will avoid conflict with strangers (i.e. waiters at a restaurant), because I don’t know them yet. Consequently, I’m that guy that still tips after a horrible experience, because I want to get to know you first — on good terms — before we talk about any poor experience. It’s backwards to everybody else I have met!

2. I Tend to Be Controlling

Then I read that Blues are controlling. What? Not me. I am not controlling. I love people. The last thing I would ever do is try to control someone, right? Then it hit me. When someone withdraws or I see them connecting better with other friends, a mild form of panic (OK, jealousy) flares up within. All my energy and thoughts rush (more like a flood) to, “What can I do to gain their deeper friendship?” Wait — I’m on the verge of trying to control them! Yuck. I don’t like that about myself, and I’m embarrassed at the extent I have taken in the past to coerce someone to gain their “friendship.”  What helped me loosen my grip was recognizing that other people are motivated, just like I am, but by other forces — power, peace, fun. In recognizing a Yellow’s fun is as dear to him or her as intimacy is to me helped me lift those expectations off other people.

3. My Control Kills Intimacy

They feel like a project, not a person.

Intimacy is to know someone deeply. Sometimes other people mean more to me than I do them. That was a hard reality to swallow. What has given me comfort is a wise scripture that says, “…in humility value others above yourselves…” (Philippians 2:3, New International Version). That has served me well. I have put it into practice by seeing my motivation for intimacy as something I can offer — without expecting it back from others. I am there for them, but I understand they may not need it to the same degree. This allows me to see it not as rejection but as simply not needed for them. If I sold a certain medicine, I would only expect those who needed it to purchase it. While I feel everybody *should* be driven by intimacy, I override it, reminding myself it is not necessarily what the doctor ordered for them.

The test confirmed it — I am a Blue. I also married a Blue. It is a great fit. We laugh at our tendencies and our idiosyncrasies. We go to counseling, because we know we have limitations. We want to love others beyond our limitations.

Knowing someone’s motive has allowed me to let go of the jealousy and the urge to coerce (OK, control) them to be who I thought I needed them to be. I’m a recovering controlling Blue, and I still want my ultimate motive — intimacy. To achieve it, I have to meet and love people where they are at — as they are — motivated by what they are.

Mark Steenbarger is the founder of and a performer with Point of View Comedy, an interactive improv troupe that takes their fun, high-energy experience to teach the Color Code to free others from misunderstanding one another’s motives. He can be reached at mark@pointofviewcomedy.com.