Month: January 2014

Frank Sinatra crooned, “Love and marriage. They go together like a horse and carriage.” Statistically, that means that 50 percent of horses are sans carriage. What is it that the other 50 percent have that keeps them hitched? Experts agree that there are many tips to help your marriage.

While no expert, I have been married to the same man for over forty years. Along the way, I’ve picked up a few sage truths:

Treat Your Spouse with RESPECT

A friend said, “I wish my husband would treat me as well as yours treats you. He worships the ground you walk on.” This after slamming the phone down, and yelling at her husband to come and fix the #&!%@*% car. I thought to myself, “If I treated my husband that way, he wouldn’t worship the ground I walk on!”

Reds: Do not criticize or contradict your spouse in public. You’ll be tempted to highlight your superior intelligence, but do resist.

Blues: You have a tendency to be judgmental. Nobody likes to hear that they do things wrong over and over again. Lower your Blue standards.

Whites: Do not show how bored you are if your spouse is ranting about something important to them, no matter how trivial you may find it.

Yellows: You are fun to be around most of the time. Unless your spouse is also a Yellow, they will need occasional breaks from your exuberance.

Don’t Try to Change Your Spouse

I once believed that in order to have a perfect marriage, my husband and I needed to have a lot in common. I tried to like sports, particularly golf, and he pretended to appreciate all the art at the festivals I dragged him to. We both soon realized that it was more fun to be with someone who really shared the same passion for our interests. He found a few golf buddies, and I found friends who actually like art. We are both content and do not begrudge each other’s time pursuing our interests.

I also decided not to care about how fast he eats, what he’s wearing when we go out, or the fact that purchasing any kind of a gift for me gives him heart palpitations. What he does do is clean off the table when he’s finished eating, compliments me on how I look when we go out, and he brings me coffee in the morning plus treats when he goes to the store…much better.

Reds: Intimidation it will only create friction and resentment. You are not always right.

Blues: Don’t let your perfectionism affect your relationship. Your spouse may have lower (and more realistic) expectations.

Whites: You won’t be the one trying to change your spouse. Don’t procrastinate. Express your feelings.

Yellows: The world doesn’t really revolve around you. Accept that your spouse may not want to do fun things all the time.

Don’t Threaten the D Word

Never threaten divorce, unless you truly want a divorce.

Oftentimes, in the heat of battle, we say hurtful things that cannot be undone. The D word is one of them. The first time you say it has the results you want—to lash out and hurt. But pretty soon it might just lose its effectiveness.

A woman I both love and respect and who is one of the most intelligent women I have had the pleasure to know, was married to a great guy who worked hard and was content in his life. Sadly, she frequently found fault, picked fights, threatened divorce, and threw all his clothes on the lawn for all the neighbors to see. He begged her not to divorce him and did whatever it took to mollify her. After many years of putting up with her behavior, one night, he picked his clothes up off the lawn, left, and never came back. She was shocked and devastated. She didn’t understand.

Reds: Don’t let your volatility get out of control, making you say things in anger that can’t be undone.

Blues: You are overly sensitive and slow to forgive. Be careful what you say and do when in the heat of an argument.

Whites: You will avoid confrontation at all costs, and it could be your undoing. Never leave an argument. The first time you leave won’t be your last.

Yellows: You can be impulsive. Try very hard to control the impulse to say hurtful things during an argument.

Manage Your Expectations

According to Steve Brody, author of “Renew Your Marriage at Midlife,” when he asked a group of people what they expected from marriage, women invariably said they want to be loved, cherished, listened to, cared for, and courted.  Men said, “Bring food and show up naked.”

Are these realistic expectations? Probably not. Still, it illustrates that not only do we all have unique driving core motives, we also have a gender “filter” that has been handed down since hunt/nest cavemen times.

Men: Learn to not discount your spouse’s need for an occasional touch, a genuine thanks, or a much needed compliment. These small gestures will go along way in accomplishing your expectations of food and…

Women: Don’t expect your husband to feel emotion as deeply as you do. Even Blue and Yellow men have the “man” filter that tells them they need to be stoic.

Marriage is a process…a road that your hitched carriage will meander down until you find your way. You may take detours and even occasionally lose your way, but a strong marriage will navigate the trip well, and we hope that the knowledge Color Code offers will help you enjoy the ride that much more. CC

Teresa Glenn has been working with the Color Code since 2006, where her main focus is product development. She has been in the publishing and product development field for over 20 years. Teresa is a core Red with a strong Yellow secondary.

Ah…The joys, trials & tribulations of parenting a yellow. As a very strong blue, my 19-year-old very yellow daughter has been a source of frustration and joy in my life. So anyone who is a parent reading this may ask themselves…”So what’s new about that. Every child, regardless of their color and core motive, brings frustration and joy.” I agree but as a certified Color Code trainer, I know that Yellows are a special challenge for me. They don’t navigate the world the way a Blue thinks they should. Remember, Blues are moralistic and take things seriously. Yellows are sooooo not in to that — way too heavy! As a parent, it’s our job to help our child navigate through life, to tell them the difference between right and wrong, to give advice but a Yellow child receives that dose of reality as a total “downer” and it can have the reverse effect.

Do’s & Don’t to parenting a Yellow

Do embrace their zest for life:  As a strong blue, I secretly admire Ariana’s natural enthusiasm, her positive thinking and her carefree attitude.  As a glass half empty Blue, my natural instinct is to worry and think about what could go wrong. I have to work at letting go of worry and recognizing what I can’t control. This is already engrained in Ariana. She naturally embraces new experiences and loves to learn and be around people. She doesn’t worry herself over things that are out of her control. Like Blues, Yellows are emotion based so we have that in common. She experiences life through emotions – how is this making me feel?  Good, Great (even better!). Okay, I’ll stick around. How is this making me feel? – Bad – I’m out of here!  I’d recommend appealing to their emotions but keep it positive.

Don’t criticize or lecture:  Wow, that’s a tough one as a Blue parent. Your natural inclination is to “advise” your daughter. After all, you’ve lived longer than your child has and know a few things that could spare them some pain. If they would only listen and take your advice.  Yellows, however, see this as criticism or a lecture they must endure. Yellows do not have a long attention span. Give them tasks or chores in bite size pieces. Don’t overwhelm them with a laundry list of to-do’s. Yellows also do not have tolerance for a lecture that points out their faults. No one likes being lectured to but Yellows  have what I call “the flight response.” When Ariana was little and didn’t have the cognitive skill level yet to realize she could run out of a room if she didn’t like what I was saying, she would create a diversion by misbehaving.  It worked to change my focus. As she got in to her teen years, she’d yell and run out of the room screaming. Also very effective.  As with every child, you have to let them experience life and make their mistakes. This is imperative with Yellows though. They have to figure it out themselves. And they will. It’s just hard to watch as a parent.

Love them for who they are: They love themselves so join the party. It’s true. Every Yellow I know, has that innate self-esteem. They are okay with themselves and want you to love them too. C’mon…join in. You’ll have fun, the Yellow says. And you will. I spent 19 years trying to get Ariana to think like me. It’s not working. I approach things very seriously. She approaches them as something she either loves or hates. My worry is she’ll avoid the things she “hates” because her motivation is to have fun all the time. But so far, she hasn’t. She takes on chores and the mundane tasks of life – not necessarily the way I address them – but she gets them done. My ongoing challenge as a mother and a Blue, is to accept that and to trust she will do it. She may not live her life the way I would, but overall, she’ll succeed and have a great time doing it. I’m still a little jealous. CC

Megan Guido is the Director of Strategic Initiatives & Marketing at Pullman Regional Hospital. She is a certified Color Code trainer and consults on customer service, the power of generosity, organizational and external communications and marketing. Her email is megan.guido@pullmanregional.org.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert Einstein

When you opened your email every morning this week, how many contained stories and ads touting how with this person’s book, or this company’s equipment, you are guaranteed success for all your New Year’s Resolutions?

This article will tell you the opposite—not because we want you to fail, but because we feel you might be going about it all wrong.

Are Resolutions Made to Fail?

I’m going to quit smoking, and lose weight, and get in shape, and get back in touch with so and so, and…

According to the University of Scranton, Journal of Clinical Psychology only 8% of us is successful in achieving our resolutions. No wonder.

We heap on the goals, in quantities that are unmanageable. If you make a decision to change your habits before you are ready—only as a nod to New Years—you are doomed to failure, and your broken promise becomes yet another habit to be repeated next year.

For example: When a person quits smoking, they eat more to satisfy their oral fixation. If you are truly interested in quitting smoking, why compound the problem by adding a diet to the list?  How long did it take you to develop that smoking habit, or gain those extra pounds? Chances are they are habits that have been with you a long time. Why think that everything can change in a single day with a single declaration?

Reflection

Throw yourself a bone. Before setting your goals for the upcoming New Year, ask yourself what, in 2013, you learned about yourself that you are proud of. Following is a list a friend made:

Things I have learned in 2013:

• How to play Candy Crush Saga
• What Duck Dynasty is all about
• To walk away from people who aren’t good for me
• To make the best grilled cheese sandwich ever
• To make the best of whatever life brings me
• To stop buying stuff I don’t need or have room for
• That being alone is very satisfying
• I have the greatest family, friends and neighbors in the world
• To love myself
• To be grateful for everything, every person and every pet in my life
• To take one day at a time
• Life is short. Enjoy each day as if it was your last
• To be kinder to people…give more.
• Pray more

These are all positive, life affirming, learning experiences. Not only did she have fun learning a new game, but she also learned to dig deep and realize that she’s ok alone and loves herself. She is on a charactered path.

Setting Goals

Once you have made an honest assessment of your resolutions and improvements from last year, take the time to sit down and make some realistic goals for next year. Start with one goal at a time. Following is the top ten resolutions published in the University of Scranton, Journal of Clinical Psychology:

1. Lose weight
2. Get organized
3. Spend less, save more
4. Enjoy life to the fullest
5. Stay fit and healthy
6. Learn something new
7. Quit Smoking
8. Help others in their dreams
9. Fall in love
10. Spend more time and family

So, lets say you want to accomplish 1, 5, 7 and 9 (although, I’m not sure how you can “resolve” to fall in love, unless you’re a Red.)

First, set a priority that makes sense. If #7 is on your list…to quit smoking, you will likely gain a few pounds with the effort, so don’t start with item #1. On the other hand, exercising (#5) will help take your mind off your smoking addiction, and may help you with possible weight gain (#1). Approach your family and ask for their support and encouragement in your effort to quit. Invite them to join you at the gym (#5 and #10), while keeping focused on your number one goal to quit smoking.

Once you are able to check off your first goal, move on to the next. By that time, the rest should be easier.

Take advice from Albert Einstien and don’t go insane repeating the same resolution over and over.

The most important thing when trying to improve yourself, is to find out who you really are, and then strive to be the best you. All the other things will fall into place.

Happy New Year!